Cootie Chronicles

Pain & Suffering

2012-01-23T08:54:00.000-05:00

Now that the new-years-resolutioners have left the building, time to return to the gym!

While I am still at my "LA weight," my pants no longer fit. My muscles seem to have converted into squishy nougat, a byproduct of Halloween gone wrong. Instead of a large plastic dog, all swimsuit pictures at this point have to be taken with a large car in front of me.

(I like to keep this picture on my computer desktop to remind me of how I've failed myself.)

I've started sending a daily homework email to my virtual training partner, Nonny. Somehow giving her homework is shaming me into going to the gym and doing the exercises too,. My husband is also being forced to participate, so it's a win-win for me.

If you are interested in being included on my daily weight training 101 e-mail, let me know. I may not be a certified trainer, but think you'll be impressed by my extensive experience:

Once in 8th grade I was in weight training club for a couple of months
I saw a personal trainer 4 times in the past 34 years
I spend a lot of time on the Men's Health website

This is designed for people who are beginners and don't know the first thing about lifting weights. We're starting off with dumbbells and eventually I suppose I'll have to learn what those barbell things do. Or I'll just make one of my brothers take over at some point.

For now we're just learning 2 exercises per day and then spending the first hour of the following day emailing each other discussing what hurts from the day before. At some point we'll either develop actual daily routines or just revert to discussing our favorite chick-fil-a milkshake flavors.

My resolution update:

1. No chick-fil-a milkshakes until my birthday. = 3 weeks down, 4 to go

2. No eating in car except super long road trips where I might fall asleep and kill people. = I've found myself standing next to my car in parking lots eating, which just makes me sad. But I haven't eaten IN the car, so still winning on that one too.

Back in business

2012-01-22T00:04:00.002-05:00

Breaking news: our other blog is no longer protected.

The older Marielle gets the less deaf-related news I have to share, but I did post something more than a cute picture today, so take a look if you feel like it.

If not, cute picture alert below!

Report Card

2012-01-19T13:25:00.001-05:00

Marielle's preschool teacher emailed me this story:

I was setting up the smartboard and trying to figure out where it could be that they could see and interact with it.  I had an interactive advent calendar up (just secular stuff) and they took turns opening areas and watching little animated scenes. When Mari chose a date, it showed a few bears on stage in tuxes playing a cello, violin, flute, ....around 5 or 6 of them.  When they were all done, Mari said (horrified), "They played that without a conductor!?!"

Beafarino

2012-01-17T23:52:00.002-05:00

Tonight I received perhaps the funniest email of my 18 years spent online:

"Tonight's emails could be the end of the political aspirations of anyone even slightly related to us. Collectively, tonight, we are Roger Clinton."

And now, a message for Roger's better half, who doesn't linger online after midnight, because she has a job and is responsible or sane or something along those lines:

Now that we have free texting, you might want to silence your phone at night if you plan to sleep. Because I keep forgetting I have a blog, and I can text from bed while basking in the glow of my new Plasma. And OMG I got a new TiVo too, so for realz I'm never sleeping (or leaving my bed) again. AND WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO WHEN NO ONE WILL DELIVER NACHOS TO MY BED AT 3 AM?

Also - for my birthday can you hire someone from Craigslist to stop by and turn me? By then I'm gonna have some mighty fine bedsores.

Finally - make sure that couch is at least 71" long if you're not going to buy my bed yet.

That is all. Stay tuned and as long as I don't forget I have a blog, my other 2 blog readers will get posts of their own eventually too. (Oh, wait, one of them already did.)

Bonus: hilariously horrifying glimpse into my past, and at this rate, my future:

GAH! THERE's the beaf, "Roger." THERE. IS. THE. BEAF.

Category 5

2012-01-13T10:50:00.000-05:00

It is a family tradition to drink too much at Pat O'Briens; just ask my mom.

I found myself at their bar last night being yelled at by a man who told me I was going to hell because I didn't want to ever take my daughter to Disneyworld.

Please note this 42 year old man's wife and children were currently at Disneyworld while he was standing (barely) on Bourbon St in New Orleans with some buddies. I'm pretty sure if I'm going to hell, I'm going to see him there.

5 going on 13

2012-01-06T20:56:00.001-05:00

Marielle has had well laid out life plans for over a year now:

"Mommy, I'm going to marry X. But first I will ask X if she wants to have babies in her tummy. And if she says no, I will marry Y."

Because, you see, her plan also involves being a doctor while her wife stays home with their 2 children (also already named) and Marielle has no desire to carry children in her womb. I mean, what 5 year old doesn't have this all worked out, right?

Well - trouble.

This week Marielle has suddenly developed a crush on a BOY. The littlest thing sets her hear aflutter, like when she touched his jacket and no one saw her do it. Every picture she draws has him in it.

Today, she wrote and drew an elaborate invitation to her 7th birthday party. Why not the 6th? Well, as she explains to me, her 6th is going to be a pool party, and if he comes to that (whisper) "I might accidentally see him naked."

She's straddling the line between adorably innocent and crazy stalker.

Extensive terms & conditions

2012-01-01T16:02:00.002-05:00

I finally decided on my resolution. I know - you've all been sitting around your computers for the last two days just waiting for this moment. Well, your prayers have finally been answered.

It's such a simple thing that will solve so many problems all at once. And though not fun like last year's, I think it's worth a shot.

First, the runners up. I still plan to attempt these, for the record:

Learn to ice skate. I can currently get around the rink without falling down, but that's all I can do. Kind of like a blind man could probably drive a car a couple of miles down a Kansas highway without getting into trouble, but it's not something you would want to see or experience.
Learn to rock climb. This one I'm super excited about, and only didn't make it my main resolution because it seems like a pricy hobby.
Cancel as many email subscriptions as possible to clean up my inbox and tempt me to spend less on things I don't need (e.g. krav maga for kids).
No chick fil a milkshakes until my birthday. (GAH! That's gonna be a toughy.)

After weeks of thought and reflection, my resolution for 2012 came to me in a flash, as I was once again degreasing my car's floor mats and in the process killing half the fish in the Chesapeake Bay...

No more eating in my car.*

*Note, I did not say your car. I still plan to eat there. And liquids don't count. Nor do road trips of 100 miles or longer, as at that point I'm using food as a means of not falling asleep at the wheel and killing us all.

If all goes according to plan, this should fix many of the issues that are currently keeping me from losing the last 25 lbs. As well as cut back on the number of times I think to myself, "What's that smell!? That can't be good."

Wish me luck.

Note: this picture has nothing to do with this post, I just love it. Midway through my NYE party gorge I decided to pump some iron before going back for round 2. Barry caught me in my evening gown, shoeless. Classy, yes?

Edited to add - I did not set up that barbell. I just walked by and found it and thought, I think I'll pick this up. As my brother pointed out, we all know the big plate should be the first, not last, on. I mean, duh.

Let them eat (more) cake

2011-12-30T00:27:00.001-05:00

Cake by Grandma!

Best Present Ever

2011-12-25T22:59:00.001-05:00

I informed my husband that I'd file for divorce on Dec 26 if I didn't get my one Christmas wish.

Looks like our marriage lives on!
(And bonus points for making modeling chocolate in a hotel microwave.)

That, kids, is a Ron Swanson marshmallow. If you didn't see the Parks and Rec Christmas episode/season finale then you cannot fully appreciate my marshmallow man. I'll wait here while you get caught up...

Best buds

2011-12-23T09:46:00.001-05:00

White Christmas!

Gathered around the fire(fox) with Grandpa?

Old school:

Marielle loves having someone to boss around this week. I can see years of these two teaming up for trouble.

Five.

2011-12-10T19:42:00.001-05:00

Easily amused.

Who needs a hook when you have a mommy on a chair?

Your version is stupid.

2011-12-06T10:12:00.001-05:00

New look

2011-12-01T09:30:00.001-05:00

"You don't look like my mommy with those glasses. You look like a much smarter girl."

Correct: a girl who's so smart she's waiting to buy contacts until the next infusion of HSA funds on January 1.

20 questions

2011-11-30T23:19:00.001-05:00

Every day I get at least one new question from Marielle about Santa. The girl thinks too much for a four year old!! Tonight's was, "How does Santa make so many toys in such little time?!" (This from a kid who thinks Santa only brings one toy per kid.) I responded as I do to all of her Santa-related questions. "That's a good question! What do you think?" She told me, "I think it's because he's magic."

She's pretty good at answering herself. I was told that Santa doesn't have time to sleep in December because he's working so hard, so he probably just catches up the rest of the year. I'm betting he hits the uppers pretty hard too, but I didn't tell her that.

Last week she told me Santa was probably at the store. I assumed she meant he buys the toys until she clarified, "He has to buy the plastic to make all the toys." She probably wonders why he doesn't just wise up, fire the elves, and outsource to China.

"What do I want? I want some answers!"

Balloons over 42nd & 6th

2011-11-25T08:15:00.001-05:00

Yesterday Marielle learned the phrase, "Once in a lifetime experience" after I sat/stood on a cold NYC street for 6 hours.

I just hate when my shoes deflate.

Kermie!!

My favorite, and Mari's too. I think Barry liked Santa best, as his arrival meant the parade was over!!

Role reversal

2011-11-22T00:18:00.001-05:00

I cannot wait until she's old enough to help drive!

Baby Dahmer

2011-11-21T13:51:00.001-05:00

Me: How was the macaroni at lunch today?

Mari: Great! It tasted like a person.

Me: You don't eat a person!

Mari: Well, one time I licked my foot.

Day at the museum

2011-11-17T13:49:00.001-05:00

It was fun explaining to a four year old why there's a need for something like an exhibit of nothing but the work of female artists.

Here we are participating in one artist's work at the museum at Duke University:

It's coming!

2011-11-11T13:53:00.001-05:00

Hard to believe that my baby turns FIVE in a month! And even harder to believe that I have to whip up the perfect kids' party, per her rigid specifications, in less than a month.

For example, Mari's insisting on a FIVE tier cake, to top last year's three tier monstrosity. "Mommy, I have a LOT of friends, so I am going to need FIVE (holds up fingers) tiers." Last year's cake took me days to make and all night to finish the tiny details. This year I would like to sleep at least an hour the night before the party, so I may be making four of those tiers out of styrofoam. Not to mention I could hardly carry last year's cake it was so heavy. I haven't gotten THAT much stronger in a year.

Marielle's also given me many instructions including:

1) Party at our house. (Easier in many ways, definitely cheaper, but what's this cleaning up nonsense?)
2) Kids only. OK, well she finally decided some grownups can come but they have to stay away from the kids. (I was going to strongly encourage a "drop off" party until I realized that all her friends moms are my friends. Somebody's gotta hold my drink while I light the candles.)
3) Invite list - 54 children. (Clearly she is being forced to edit that.)

In addition, like a wedding-gone-wrong we will be having multiple parties.
1) Party at school
2) Party at home for kids
3) Family party in VA
4) Family party in KS

Maybe I really do need all five tiers.

I was planning on recycling many of last year's decorations when she suddenly switched from a princess theme to something much more palatable. I will do 100x more work if it means a party without princesses. Even better, she picked a theme that is actually age appropriate. I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

A sneak peak of what's to come:

Move it.

2011-11-08T09:02:00.002-05:00

I've been wearing my bodybugg for 3 months now. What a downer. The fitlinxx machines at the Y told me grand lies of burning 900 calories in one Zumba class, etc. Here's the reality - best case scenarios, for a woman of ample stature and decent physical condition:

Power Yoga - 200 calories/hour
Cleaning house - 250 calories/hour
Lifting weights - 400 calories/hour
Zumba - 500 calories/hour
Raking leaves - 500 calories/hour
Spinning - 600 calories/hour

All of these are my best results, meaning if you weigh less than me and/or aren't going at a very high intensity, you're going to burn less.

On an average day doing nothing but sititng at my desk I barely eek out 2,000 calories. If I bust my butt and say build a deck, I can clear 4,000. My best yet was 5,000, and all of that was from yard work and construction.

The moral of this story is...stop staring at your computer right now and go run to the other end of your house and back.

If you can't afford a gym or don't "have time" to go, it shouldn't matter. Just keep moving, and find ways to incorporate activity into every hour of your day.

Not a sermon, just a thought.

Differences of opinion

2011-11-05T18:49:00.000-04:00

Scene: Dining room. Discussing stock options that at this point are still worthless but someday might pay off.

Husband: Well if we cashed them in, they would be worth about X.

Wife: We could pay off part of our mortgage and finally refinance!

Husband: Well...a little of it could be fun money. Like...

Wife: We could take a nice trip to celebrate our 10th anniversary!!

Husband: I was thinking new bass guitar!!

Wife: I think you might not make it to your 10th anniversary.

Honeymoon, 2001. Dress is still in my close, fits and is ready to go with or without him.

Success.

2011-11-01T17:03:00.000-04:00

This is our four year old.

She is deaf but hears with a cochlear implant and hearing aid.

She talks non-stop and uses words like "sour" and "shy."

She dresses like this all the time. (This is not her Halloween costume.)

She is awesome.

BFFs.

2011-10-28T20:38:00.001-04:00

It seems like just yesterday that Kayla died, though it's been almost 2 months.

Today, we lost Cosmo.

Just like Kayla, he went downhill fast. I think it's true that you really just can look at your dog and tell when their time is up.

We saw it coming just about a month ago, when he seemed in extreme pain. We hooked him up with steroids and doggie pain pills and he rallied...until yesterday. Today we ended his suffering. We brought him home from the vet and buried him in our backyard. Tomorrow we'll plant a garden of white bulbs in his honor to sprout up in the spring. I expect to erupt in tears at the sight of the first bloom.

Cosmo has been a part of our family since 2003. It's going to feel very strange to not wake up at 6:59 am tomorrow to his pleading barks for food.

I'm sure I'll write more in the days to come, but right now I'm too busy looking at all the old pictures. Which isn't hard to do, since every photo folder on our computer from April 2003 until about December 2006 is titled, "dogs" or "Cosmo" or "beagles."

But one day Marielle came along, and our focus shifted, and he seemed to understand.

Look! Over there! Something shiny!

2011-10-27T08:33:00.003-04:00

"But mom, I don't understand how the baby get IN the mommy tummy."

Personal best

2011-10-25T22:13:00.001-04:00

(I don't keep a food diary, because if I did, it would be something like:

Halloween candy - 7 bags
Can of black bean soup with cheese
Halloween candy - 5 bags)

Teach your children, teach them well.

2011-10-21T23:40:00.001-04:00

Perpetual motion

2011-10-13T22:30:00.001-04:00

Best kid ever

2011-10-13T14:42:00.001-04:00

Several weeks ago we went on a trip and left our beagle Cosmo behind with our dogsitter. Marielle asked to take him but I told her the hotels didn't allow dogs. She got very concerned and clearly was having trouble figuring out how to ask me something. Finally she came out with, "But mommy, what if you are a person that have eyes BUT your eyes do not work and your dog helps you to see?"

That's right, my kid is more concerned about accessibility than most business owners.

Little does she know, if our dog wasn't such a punk I would toss a vest on him, claim "hearing dog" and drag him around the country everywhere we go. (I'm pretty sure they'd catch onto us pretty quickly when he started eating off the flight attendant's cart or peeing in the hotel lobbies.)

I saw you on TV!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-10-10T10:17:00.001-04:00

Celebrity sightings:

Best part of her day:

Best part of my day:

(And thanks, Hyatt, for the free upgrade to a 2 bed, 2 bath suite. We really needed that!)

Master plan.

2011-09-30T13:39:00.001-04:00

I decided the deck building might go faster if I had a plan rather than just doing whatever I felt like at that second.

This took me about 400 drafts and 10 hours:

Don't get me wrong--I don't actually know how to draw such things. But the different lumber sizes are each their own shade of pink, and it has a SLIDE so who cares about the rest?!

Pretty sure this isn't up to code. Just had to imagine what it's going to look like in 3 years when I'm finished.

Danger tape seems like overkill

2011-09-24T08:20:00.001-04:00

Who knew I was actually an optimist? Yes, it's true. Convinced myself I can and will figure out how to build a deck.

I originally thought I would finish by Halloween, adding in a big buffer for inevitable mistakes but thinking I would really finish sooner. Optimist or just delusional?? Now I just want to be done before it snows.

Floor's done! $60 worth of screws in the deck floor alone. Now for the railing. Though not having one at all + 7 foot deck = natural selection at work.

Proceed at your own risk.

Sisterhood of the traveling utility knives

2011-09-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

Anything you can do, I can do better.

I want a shirt that says that, so I can wear it every time I go to Home Depot. Which lately is daily, so better make it two. Or three, since I'm kind of a sweaty one and have to change at least once a day.

At first it was cute, the men feigning shock that a woman could even spell deck much less try to work on one. But it's getting kind of old.

OK, but getting old:

Customer(s): Wow! A woman can't build a deck. You are amazing! Man should do it. My wife she cannot. But you must be amazing!"
Male employees constantly assuming I need help or that I am asking for the incorrect item. If I give you a part number, I probably did my research.
Assuming anytime I lift a piece of lumber I'm going to fall over. Quick! Haul your 400 lb self over here before my bulging biceps give out.

(Maybe to seek revenge and stop all the, "Your husband should do this," I'll start telling them my husband died in battle and lure them to my house to help. Note to husband: work late this week?)

Not OK:

Old man screaming at two female Home Depot employees, "I need to talk to a MAN!!!!"
Women AND men who work at Home Depot who don't know where anything is. As I said, I'm there daily at this point, so I've got the lay of the land and only ask if I really need it. I needed three things today and each time it took three to four employees to help me find it. That's right, I asked FOUR people where to find Lava (pumice) soap. Three where to find tin shears and three for a specific wood preservative.
Home Depot didn't carry Lava soap in less than a gallon size OR the wood preservative required by county code for deck posts. I did get some shears.
County code? What's that? You're trying to follow that? Huh?

Turns out the best shot at Home Depot is actually Asian male or old guy. Old guy won't know, but he'll ask someone until he finds it. Asian guy knows. They have us beat in everything don't they?

Best part of my day:

Tiny Persian woman emerging from Home Depot, carrying huge ladder, looks at me and triumphantly shouts, "ANYTHING MAN CAN DO, WOMAN CAN DO!!!!!"

Clearly she had the same kind of morning I did.

Tomorrow, Lowe's?

History.

2011-09-11T19:59:00.000-04:00

What I told my child about "the" September 11th:

Nothing.

Are you kidding me?! She could barely handle our beagle dying. She is scared the FBI is going to come get her. (Movie warnings.) She thinks having a fire alarm means our house is going to burn down. I am most definitely not telling her anything about September 11.

Hard to believe that our kids will see it as something they read about in a history book or hear about from "old" people. Not that I wish for her to have vivid memories of the day, but I do wish she could know the innocence of our world before September 11. The days when a head scarf didn't make you a terrorist and you didn't need a full body cavity search to fly on an airplane. Those were the days.

Back to school!

2011-09-06T17:02:00.001-04:00

Guess who picked out her own outfit!

Last chance at summer

2011-09-01T21:30:00.001-04:00

Somebody's legs grew about four inches this summer!

Caught a blue crab!

If anyone needs me, I'll be at the pool(s).

Farewell

2011-08-31T02:00:00.006-04:00

Our dog Kayla has been sneezing off and on for several weeks. It almost seemed to be getting better, but Monday she started to look especially bad and developed other symptoms. I called the vet to schedule an appointment for the next morning. In the 18 hours between my call and the appointment, she went downhill fast. We went from "I wonder if we're going to have to make some big decisions soon?" to "I think we waited too long!" in under 12 hours.

I knew when we left for our appointment today that she wouldn't be coming home.

We first brought Kayla home from "Beaglefest" as a foster dog. She was 15 lbs overweight --came from the home of a man dying of cancer who wasn't able to care for her any longer.

We fostered Kayla until she went to live in her "forever home." Turns out forever was more like a weekend; they changed their mind about adoption and returned her. I couldn't bear to give her up for some reason and she became our last foster dog. We adopted her in June 2005. We quickly got her slim and trim and she had a couple of years of good health. The vets even put her before and after weight loss pics on the wall to inspire other pet owners!

Kayla wasn't cuddly like our other dog, Cosmo. She did like to come up to you, put her front paws on you (and all her weight) and guilt you into tummy rubs, but it was always about what was in it for her.

I couldn't care less about that stupid thing; I'm here for the belly scratches!

I'll admit she was always kind of a weird dog. It's funny to miss her so much when there were so many things about her that just drove us mad.

Who you callin' weird, lady? You're dressed like a fried egg!

Kayla didn't like to play with Cosmo much, but when he was on crate rest after surgery she did cuddle with him. Apparently she had actually noticed at some point that she wasn't the only dog in the house, though she preferred to act like it 99% of the time.

Kayla could be incredibly annoying yet hilarious all at the same time. She learned how to use the chairs to climb ON TOP of our dining room table. If you got up from the dinner table didn't push your chair in, she would clean your plate for you.

She would've made a great hunting dog. She could smell animals from a very far distance. It would drive her insane that she couldn't escape our fenced yard to tussle with the foxes and other creatures living behind our house. We would hear her barking in the middle of the night, waking the neighbors. I recall several barefoot chases through the snow at 4 am. (She would use our dog door to get into the yard. If you locked her in the house with no access to the yard, she would pee all over the carpet to show you who was in charge. It was a tough decision each night which would be worse.)

Kayla always loved a good walk, and would behave for anyone, even someone's three year old princess.

She didn't pull and if a kid dropped her leash, she would just wait for someone to sort it all out. We could always trust her around kids.

Marielle has become quite the skilled dog walker and could handle both dogs at once. This morning we went on several very long walks and let her hold Kayla the whole way.

About three years after coming to our home, she developed an extremely annoying slow leak from her bladder. While we treated it with increasingly stronger medication, it only continued to get worse and worse. I'm sure she hated living with it even more than we did. It had recently gotten really bad, and then combined with her newest symptoms was no way to live. When you find yourself in the pet store looking at dog diapers, it might be time. When your dog spends the night sneezing blood and spraying urine all over your house, it's definitely time.

At home this morning we discussed how Kayla was very sick and very old. Marielle gave her a full exam, and agreed Kayla didn't feel well. (I omitted my Google-assisted diagnosis of cancerous nasal and throat tumors when discussing the case with Mari.)

We arrived at the vet almost half an hour early. Rather than wait in the clinic we strolled their lovely grounds, being generous with hugs, kisses and belly scratches. I hinted at what was to come.

When we finally went in for our appointment, the technician tried to make us feel better saying it was "probably just allergies" or something stuck in her nose. She then tried to convince me to update Kayla's vaccinations and do a heartworm test. Some people!

The vet came in and gave Kayla an exam. This practice has had its share of not-so-impressive docs, but we got a great one today. She agreed with my diagnosis, took the time to explain options (CT scan, drugs, etc.) but didn't push them. They would've only bought us a couple of weeks, and it would've been selfish. Kayla would have been miserable. The doc was excellent at letting us come to this decision on our own though, rather than just saying, "Don't waste your money; let's get this show on the road, I've got other patients!"

The vet left me and Marielle alone with Kayla for about 10 minutes for more hugs, bawling and cuddles. At one point Marielle seemed inconsolable but then stopped abruptly, looked up at me, and said, "Mommy, when Cosmo dies too can we get a cat?" Love that kid.

I decided to have the procedure done out of sight in another room, but asked if we could see Kayla when it was all done. I didn't want to scar Marielle for life, but I had heard "we'll just pick her up later today!" too many times. She needed to know it was over. Again the vet was very caring and knew exactly what we needed and when. She had removed the needles, shut Kayla's eyes and wrapped her in a blanket before returning her to us. We didn't stay long after that, but it was long enough.

I don't care what Google says about a 4 year old's understanding of death; this kid gets it. She knows Kayla is not coming home. We talked about how important it is to take good care of Cosmo now. He's not looking so great himself.

We decided after our long, sad day we would come home and take Cosmo on a nice walk through the neighborhood. Marielle walked in the house, grabbed a leash and yelled, "Cossssssssssssssmo! Kaaaaay- .... Oh.......Right." The look on her face definitely said, "Oh, my bad. I am so used to calling for her but now she's not here anymore. Whoops."

Several times tonight Marielle checked in with me. "Cosmo's older than Kayla, right? But he is not sick like her?" That was alternated with insisting he needed a new sister. He will not be getting a new sister, but I do hope he can hold on for several more months. It's going to take us a while to recover from today; not sure I can handle losing him so soon after Kayla.

Before bed I tried to read Marielle the only kids' book I have about dealing with death. We've read it only once - several months ago - but as soon as she spied the first page she remembered what was coming. She stopped me before I could even finish the first sentence, saying, "NO NO NO. I don't wanna talk about it right now!!" Fair enough.

Tonight is the first night in years Mari hasn't put up a fight at bedtime. We read one book, she crawled under her covers, told me, "Mommy, I think Kayla just got tired of living," and fell right to sleep.

We miss you, Kayla.

Disastrous

2011-08-26T09:50:00.001-04:00

I called Barry from Los Angeles to let him know that I would be retiring in California. I invited him to join me when the day comes, but either way, I'm headed west. He protested, claiming "earthquakes!"

Three days later, we had an earthquake...IN VIRGINIA.

I was lounging in the perfect 80 degree weather when the news hit me, i.e. Brock started seeing a bunch of facebook and twitter updates and filled me in. Almost everyone I know fled their buildings/homes in the DC area to go stand outside. Which is really NOT what you are supposed to do in an earthquake. (While I know we don't practice earthquake drills, doesn't anyone ever watch movies?)

Now we are facing Hurricane Irene. So much for not having natural disasters, one of my husband's prime arguments any time I propose moving.

In keeping with our area's inappropriate responses to natural disasters, I suppose most people will try to sandbag their house with toilet paper and build a raft out of batteries.

There's some official advice, but here's what I have done or will do in the next 24 hours to prepare our family for impending doom:

1. Fill up cars with gas. OK, so my car was out of gas any way so that wasn't anything special, just good timing.

2. Charge all batteries - all 5 laptops, ipad, 2 iphones. If the power goes off, my kid needs to be able to be entertained via DVD.

3. Bring the deck inside the house. My old deck is in pieces all over the back yard - potential projectile devices. The new deck is not screwed down. I suppose I can find a place to store 30 sixteen foot 1x4s and a grill. Maybe the rest will blow away, which will solve many problems all at once. Fingers crossed!

Oh, and here's our weekend forecast which is causing all the panic:

Saturday-
Showers early, becoming a steady rain later in the day. Humid. High near 80F. Winds ENE at 15 to 25 mph. Chance of rain 80%. Rainfall around a quarter of an inch.

Sunday-
Windy with showers ending. Highs in the upper 70s and lows in the upper 60s.

Return to my ancestral homeland

2011-08-24T18:23:00.001-04:00

Overestimated the fun quotient and underestimated the effort & skill required! Still, one more thing I can cross off my to-do list. And it was adorable, though admittedly terrifying.

Look who's upside down now!

There were many margaritas, and even more tacos-

...and even more long walks on the beach. Santa Monica. Venice. Huntington. Newport. Malibu. Magnificent.

Circus freaks

2011-08-13T00:33:00.000-04:00

Today was the last week of circus camp, which meant a show for the parents who remembered to show up early by the kids who cared enough to stop running around like rabid dogs.

Didn't actually get many pics from the show, but did get these of her hanging out before:

We are doing way more camps here next summer. The hours are 11:30 am - 4 pm. Anything to keep from getting up and ready for a 9 am camp. Plus I'm sick of 3 hour camps. By the time I drop her off and get home, it seems like it's already time to go back!

Ok, so maybe they lost a kid for like 20 minutes today before anyone noticed. I even heard the teacher say "Where's ___? Oh well, she must have gone home." But I totally saw where the girl was hiding, pouting. Didn't say anything as I wanted to watch it play out. She fell asleep when no one came looking for her. I know that girl well and don't like her even the tiniest bit. Her mom never says no to anything, and it shows. Shoulda just kept my mouth shut.

Mama's girl

2011-08-12T02:24:00.000-04:00

Marielle takes to the trapeze at circus camp!

Now that's what I call a vacation.

2011-08-09T00:12:00.000-04:00

I found this picture on the Facebook page of the yoga center that hosted the 6 hour immersion class. I love the look on my face--a mix of fascination, disbelief and horror.

Front row, baby. I'm now such an experienced anti-gravity yogi (?) that I know which shirts to wear that won't end up around my head on the first inversion. (<-- Fancy yoga word. You are impressed.)

Another NYC class or three coming up this week, then Los Angeles the following week. There are 2 AGY studios within an hour of my house and I haven't visited either. Why would I, if I could go to LA or NYC?!

What's up?

2011-08-08T00:07:00.000-04:00

Just hanging out in the tree pre-Zumbatomic class. Nothing to see here; move along.

Hanging out

2011-08-02T11:36:00.002-04:00

Somewhere in the mountains of North Georgia...

Screw you, gravity.

2011-08-02T00:13:00.002-04:00

Took a 6 hour anti-gravity yoga immersion class in Atlanta last weekend--

That's the "chandelier." Though my biceps were weak at the end, I stuck it out.

Now 90 minute classes will seem like a piece of cake!

Surprisingly I can still move and function. Unexpected.

It must be vacation if...

2011-07-31T17:42:00.002-04:00

...we're eating ice cream before the snocone stains have dried.

Watch my vacation slideshow.

2011-07-29T00:22:00.002-04:00

Tuba guy. His music was as charming as his legs.

Crazy stuff was painted everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Irony.

Heaven.

One of each.

Did not stop here but really, really thought about it.

Let's stick with demonstrating our character other ways than on our hats.

GBA.

I'll take five!!

I love this place. 30% beautiful, 40% hilarity, 30% horrifying.

I could take several more weeks of this.

2011-07-29T00:09:00.002-04:00

Publish Post

Vacation in Creepyland

2011-07-26T18:45:00.002-04:00

Babyland General Hospital:

This is how babies are made. Mommy said so.

This man didn't do his homework in school and made poor life choices that led to him delivering "babies" and a very bad script.

Waiting to go inside and buy Mari's doll some clothes!

Think they are creepy in baby size? How about adult??

Wow.

Enjoy them nightmares, folks.

Sister Act

2011-07-13T11:20:00.001-04:00

Yesterday at auditory-verbal therapy Marielle revealed our family secret:

Yes, our deep, dark secret: Marielle has a baby sister. We never take her out in public though. Would you, if your kid looked like this?

Later in the day we participated in a research study where they asked Marielle to draw a picture of her family. Of course her "sister" made the cut. The researcher was thoroughly confused and I just wanted to scream through the one way mirror to explain.

You suck too, Disney.

2011-07-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

Today Marielle got all dolled up in her Tinker Bell tankini and headed off to water day at preschool. At first she was very excited for everyone to think she was a fairy. Right before hopping in her dad's car she looked down, got a sad face, and said, "No one will really think I'm really a fairy."

I asked her why she thought that.

"Because fairies don't have big tummies."

Never before had I actually noticed that Tinker Bell is really just Barbie with wings. Clearly she noticed, though. Well played, Disney.

@#($*&@#$(*@#&$(*@#&$

I do bicep curls with heavier objects than these women.

2011-07-09T22:24:00.001-04:00

I appreciate that Nordstrom is using women of all races in their most recent catalog (Anniversary sale! Mark you calendar!) but diversity isn't just about skin color. (Just like being disabled doesn't just mean people who use wheelchairs.)

I really wish Nordstrom would use models that are larger than a size 00. I'm not talking crazy - no one expects them to use a 6 or something ridiculous like that, but COME ON:

These are the women from the fitness page. If they really ran or lifted a 2 lb dumbbell, their bones would disintegrate, if they didn't pass out first. Every page is made up of this body type, but I find it particularly offensive on a page promoting fitness. (Maybe I just misunderstood and these are actually doll clothes?)

I realize some people are naturally skinny blah blah blah. But an ENTIRE catalog full of these women means it went straight in my trash where my daughter would never see it and get the idea that women actually look like that.

Somebody, please feed those women a sandwich. I'm sure they would split one 6" subway sub - hold the mayo!! - between the three of them, so you wouldn't be out more than 5 bucks.

So come on, Nordstrom, how about mix it up next time with a couple of 2s, 4s, or even - gasp - a 6. The person responsible for choosing the models for this catalog should be forced to listen to all 10 hours of Portia di Rossi reading her audiobook describing her years of eating disorders.

Feel free to fire off a note to customer service. I did! (Found it very hard to limit myself to 250 characters though.) Nordstrom: when the Asian model is the curviest woman you've got, you might be doing something wrong.

Insta-entertainment

2011-07-08T11:12:00.002-04:00

I love that my iPhone 4 has a decent enough camera that I can not only use it for the spur of the moment shot, but then zoom in and crop and--what's next, jet packs??

I installed the free Instagram app and have spent entirely too much time over-editing things. I present my evidence:

What, you say you've seen this picture 100x already? Well, Miss Complainsalot, I suppose you're not going to like the dress I'm wearing in all of these either.

I am trying all kind of scientific experiments to get pink hydrangeas in my yard. Maybe I should just give up the fight & live in this park.

Happy 4th of July! Too bad your diet won't allow you to celebrate with a delicious burger & fries.

Pretty sure the building was red, white, & blue but it was so foggy we couldn't see the top.

Fondue is healthy when you eat it with carrots. IT IS!

Probably not so much when you follow it with another cheese course.

I just can't imagine the hardships faced by our digital camera-less ancestors. How did they ever crop their bellies out of all their shots? Not that I have to do that for either of us. Nope, definitely not.

One more cheese pic, for the win. Oh, NG, you amuse us so. (For the record, no bellies had to be cropped out of this shot.)

The big dig

2011-07-07T01:37:00.000-04:00

We have lots of cute pictures from our fossil expedition at the American Museum of Natural History, but I love this one.

I imagine in her head she's thinking, "Gimme back my tool and stop stealing all my fun!" And I am probably thinking, "Shut up. We gotta get this done so we can go eat again."

Our trip in the eyes of a 4 year old

2011-07-06T02:49:00.000-04:00

I gave Marielle my old Canon digital camera after she dropped it. (A weird light now appears in most photos.) It amuses her for long stretches and occasionally she gets a great shot. It also let's us see her view of the world. Once we went on a huge field trip at a farm and I later found the only thing she had been interested in that day was shoes. Lots and lots of pictures of shoes.

Here's her view of NYC:

Lately when she gets a mosquito bite, the skin around it peels off in sheets. Delightful, isn't it? It doesn't appear to hurt, and it regrows really quickly, but still - disgusting.

There are dozens of these. Every princess had to be photographed, followed by all "girl" horses, etc.

I kept hearing, "Oh, Sleeping Beauty, you look so ADORABLE!" from the backseat. Now I know why.

Adventures with Grandma and Cousin D!

(Not positive on this one. Grandma may have taken it. I have my suspicions since both of our heads are fully in the frame.)

Fighting gravity

2011-07-05T01:21:00.000-04:00

Attempt 2 at anti-gravity yoga went quite well. Positions/postures/moves/whateveryoucallits that I could not do last week were so much easier. (Note - the upside down flipping stuff I have no problem with. It's the standing still and balancing stuff that gets me.)

This time around I'm sore in completely different areas. Still a lot of ab pain, but this time it's the obliques. It's a shame my washboard abs are hidden under forty pounds of Pommes Frites.

Just do it.

2011-07-02T13:25:00.002-04:00

Skiing is so last season. Now I get my thrills doing some other crazy stuff.

My latest pursuit:

The orange hammock photos were all taken at "my" studio, a mere 250 miles from my house. I did every single pose pictures plus a couple of even fancier ones.

Perhaps it's a midlife crisis, or perhaps I'm just realizing the amazing things your body can do when you are in shape. Or can't do, as they case may be. I did surprisingly well, but discovered muscles I apparently had never used. I couldn't laugh/sneeze/cough for four days without excruciating pain.

Next on the list: adult gymnastics, trampoline and trapeze school. Though first I'm going to do some more ab classes because clearly mine are underdeveloped to say the least.

June Recap

2011-07-01T01:01:00.000-04:00

Mari's summer so far, aka time for a photo dump.

University of Maryland - parading around doing nothing, praciticing for vacation. (Told you I wear that dress every day.)

A photo of us eating cupcakes is nothing rare--I just wanted to show off her new bow.

Early morning enrichment activities!

We inherited some new little people plus a play area for them. Marielle immediately planned a wedding. (This is the reception.)

There was an incident at face painting. Apparently adults think it's totally cool to let a kid stand in line for 20 minutes and then say, "Sorry, out of time!" Once that meltdown ended, I quickly began searching for another opportunity. 9 days later, I found one. (PS Why can't someone paint a little girl's face without making the girl look like a hooker? She coulda stopped before the pink eyelids and fake nose ring if you ask me.)

Dinosaur camp was a huge success!

Montessori camp: my dream come true. More than 2 1/2 hours go by without me having interupt my work to pick her Mari and drive her somewhere else.

Marielle's Zinnias--grown from seed--provide us with nonstop cut flowers!

With one of her good frenemies, overlooking the Potomac River.

If we can do all that in 2 weeks, imagine what July will bring!

This made it worth carrying our nice but heavy camera around for 2 days.

2011-06-28T04:39:00.000-04:00

Just kidding! We've still got those too.

I took this picture because I loved the look on the little girl's face. Only when I got home and looked at it on the computer did I see the true brilliance.

Who's next in line?

2011-06-27T16:33:00.005-04:00

It's a wonderful day for America when "Legalize Gay" shirts are discounted not because no one will buy them, but because the issue is now irrelevant. (Note - half off in NY but apparently nowhere else yet!)

For years I've thought gay rights would be the issue our kids would look at us one day and say, "Really? REALLY? People thought it was OK to not let other people get married just because they were both dudes? REALLY!?!!"

You know, like how we are with our parents/grandparents and the black people water fountain stuff. And they are with their parents and women and that whole you can't vote business etc etc.

So what's next? I know this "gay thing" isn't over, and just because NY has allowed gay marriage doesn't mean Arkansas is going to anytime soon. Or Virginia for that matter. But what will our kids finally overcome that their children will one day mock them about?

Will Muslim Americans finally treated like Americans and not terrorists?

Will the disabled finally provided with real access to society?

Will we finally start caring about the poor and homeless?

Will it ever be OK to admit your an atheist, or really anything besides Christian?

Will I be able to marry a plate of nachos? (Fingers crossed!!)

I haven't seen the classified documents, but am dying to know who else we are finally going to start treating like human beings. Because I like to appear to be a trendsetter, and would like to start attending their parades as well. Though I'm sure none will ever be as fabulous as what we witnessed yesterday.

An anonymous woman marching in the parade. Aka crossing the street. You can tell she's not actually in the parade as she is wearing a shirt.

(PS Next year, I'm totally making her wear a shirt that says I'M A MORMON!" She'll be the biggest freak at the parade, while simultaneously mocking the church's hilarious internet campaign.)

The Happiest Place on Earth

2011-06-27T16:12:00.003-04:00

Ode to Dad

2011-06-19T16:54:00.004-04:00

In honor of father's day, I'm re-posting this link to the ode to my dad.

After re-reading our dad's funniest qualities list I've picked the best lesson I ever learned from my dad.

"Dad always got me sweet jobs for the local university that paid way too well for the skill level I possessed. I learned a lot about typing, computers, and how hard it is to transcribe tapes of people talking about things like Messiaen when you are 14 years old and have never heard of Messiaen."

I learned how to type fast, but more importantly I learned how to bill a lot of money for things that are really easy to seek out jobs that involve little supervision that I can do from home on my own time so I can take naps whenever I want.

Barry was a little disappointed to see I didn't do all the things for him that I made him do for me on father's day. I have a theory that it all evens out in the end though...

Moms actually get the short end of the stick on Mother's Day eventually. As grown women and moms we are just so excited by the fact that there is one day where we can order people around and ourselves do nothing that we forget to take care of our moms. (I still need to skill some people on how to do this.) We are too busy napping and enjoying our one day off. So -- our bad, moms. But Barry, once you're older I'm sure Marielle will shoot over in her jetpack to shower you with the latest electronics while barely remembering to have her butler send me a card on my special day. (Dream big or go home.) Until then, enjoy your naps and hastily wrapped presents and half a cupcake.

Modern day princess

2011-06-16T18:19:00.000-04:00

Like most 4 year old girls, Marielle is obsessed with princesses. She loves playing with the Disney ones (even if she doesn't know the stories behind any of them) but is equally happy with a generic Little People princess or a hand me down princess gown that someone managed to sneak into our house. We did manage to postpone the obsession longer than most, but now it's in full swing. I'm ashamed to say not only do I know all the princess names, but I know a lot of Disney Fairy names too.

Like I said, she really doesn't know their "stories." She's watched Snow White and Little Mermaid but both terrified her and she has no desire to see them again. The only thing she really knows is that if mommy doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning, she plays "sleeping beauty" and cannot wake up until Marielle comes upstairs to give her a kiss. (I also enjoy playing comatose patient while she examines me. I really should write a book about parenting with the least amount of effort. I shall call it, "Shh! The mommy is sleeping!")

Marielle does love Rapunzel, having seen it four times, but still doesn't really get it either. She was just as happy to watch it poolside - without the benefit of hearing - as she was every other time. I have also seen it four times and not once have I stayed awake through the whole thing. The only unfortunate outcome of Rapunzel is that Marielle never plans to cut her hair again, and wants it to be long and blond and straight. I promise she will never achieve any of those goals anytime in the next decade.

Without these pre-conceived notions of princesses, Marielle's active imagination takes over and I witness hilarious princess stories such as:
-Cinderella is getting ready to marry Ariel but before putting on her wedding gown has to go to the bathroom to take care of business. (Not a bad idea, really.)
-Snow White marries Sleeping Beauty.
-Rapunzel is a paramedic. The little people queen is the doctor.
-Princesses go to school.

How long until Disney comes to us to option her "princess lesbians with flourishing careers" storyline? We're not sitting by the phone.

School's not-out for summer

2011-06-15T22:31:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the last day of real school. Hope she enjoyed that vacation, because it's full on learnin' time now, baby!

Before school was even officially over we had our first field trip on Monday - a 2 hour presentation at the library on reptiles. The big finale was getting to pet a 15-ish foot long snake that looked like it had recently eaten several of the children in the audience. ((Shiver.))

Today started with an outing to an advertised puppet show. Turned out to be mostly singing - by a couple of old hippies who thought it appropriate to sing to preschoolers about the senseless butchering of whales. Mostly Marielle was interested in what snacks I brought and why her friend wanted to sit on her babysitter's lap instead of next to us on our blanket...until freaky-man-hippie came out in an enormous camel costume, at which point she began chasing him through the field.

I sat there in awe, laughing as I tried to imagine where the hell one stores something like that when not in use. "Damn it, Frank, how am I supposed to store all this used vegetable oil to fuel my Volkswagen when your @#$(&$)! camel costume takes up half the garage!?!"

Marielle left with the babysitter.

Day 1 and I'm already farming her out. I had an IEP meeting to attend, so my friend's au pair took her and we went our separate ways. The meeting turned out to be even longer than I had anticipated, so Mari got to visit her dad at work for awhile. I finally picked her up, and we headed to Wegmans (grocery store of the gods). She begged to go to their childcare, and who am I to say no to free babysitting? Barbies and fairies for her, peaceful shopping for me. I even finished my latest audiobook (Rob Lowe) while shopping. Everyone wins!

(You like how this summer seems to be about me finding others to raise my child? I'm no dummy.)

Anyway, by day's end we managed to do a bunch of Kumon worksheets working on writing numbers, telling time, and counting. We worked in our gardens and she picked a bunch of flowers and designed a centerpiece for the dinner table.

(Zinnias & marigolds grown from seed, some princess swimming toys, a wooden dress up fairy, etc.)

We played "puppy pals bingo," working on both auditory skills and reading, and finished the day reading some Bob books.

She fell asleep in about 2 seconds tonight. Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow is a much lighter day. Our only planned outing: she gets to watch me have my teeth cleaned. Strangely, this may be the highlight of her week.

(And yes, I wore my new dress again. Third time this week and it's only Wednesday.)

I told you my new dress was awesome.

2011-06-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I jumped out of my parked car, shouting, "Hello!" to a woman our family has known for four years as she passed by on the sidewalk. She looked confused at first and there was a pause as she stopped and stared at me. Finally she said, "Oh! It's you. I don't recognize you skinny."

Worst compliment ever?

For once I was quick with a comeback. "Don't worry, I'm sure it won't stick around for long."

Vanity

2011-06-12T23:26:00.001-04:00

I bought my Atlanta dress last week. I dashed into the Buckhead Nordstrom 20 minutes before store closing to scour their racks. While working this same conference 2 years ago I bought a dress I loved. I had been able to wear it during the past 50 lbs, tying the sash a little tighter each time I wore it. It finally was starting to look a bit ridiculous, and I was hoping to hit the jackpot twice.

I have a recurring problem throughout my lifelong weight loss roller coaster. No matter what size I am, I am much more hour glass shaped than designers like. Plus sizes tended to accept this while regular sizes do not. I now hover in a no-woman's land between the two. Probably I just need to buy normal sizes and get a tailor. But that sounds hard, and I am lazy. So instead I try on "regular" clothes that get stuck before they make it higher than my thighs or lower than my armpits. Plus sizes that swallow me up. The only solution - the summer dress. (Secondary solution - wear it year round, with tights.)

This dress I ended up with wasn't one I picked, but the sales lady made me try it. I didn't love the print and on the hanger it was not particularly memorable. It is a soft cotton though, can be machine washed, and doesn't wrinkle. (I love a dress that is as comfy as PJs and even when you sleep in it, looks as good as the day before.) It was sleeveless and has the neckline I like, so I tried it. (Also it kind of matches the decor of my favorite hotel where we will be vacationing later this summer. Seriously, my logic has no logic.)

When I finally looked at the price tag I paused. Seriously - a piece of cotton? THAT MUCH? Whatever - the store had closed 10 minutes ago, so I bought it. Now I have a fabulous dress I love. And I hope you love it too, because it's all I can afford to buy for the next 51 weeks.

Miss Chatterbox

2011-06-04T14:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Marielle used the word "impressed" in a sentence, without thinking twice. Impressed, indeed.

Today I asked her to bring me her dishes from the table and she responded, "My pleasure!"

At a language test the other day she blew the socks off the therapists when she knew what an archeologist was. Barry was shocked, but I told him that she did just finish studying dinosaurs in school. "Um, that's a paleontologist." What?! They both dig for things, right?!

She did not know "dilapidated" however, so back to the studying we both go.

Expect it on the runways in the fall

2011-06-04T08:16:00.000-04:00

If you can behave there, you can make it anywhere

2011-06-01T21:53:00.000-04:00

For over a year I have been promising Marielle that when she turned seven, we would take a mommy/daughter trip to New York City.

One of us got impatient.

Since certain people are too busy with their family or their jobs or their living on the other side of the world, I decided it was time to start grooming a new travel buddy.

Riding Vamoose! It was my first time on this bus line, mostly because I waited until entirely too late to book bus tickets for a holiday weekend and everything was sold out. Our driver was crazy prompt (and may have left some people at the rest stop? Unclear) and got us from Virginia to downtown Manhattan in under four hours, including our 14 minute rest stop. The seats weren't that comfy and there were no seat belts. My seat also didn't have a power outlet, nor could I find wifi. So pretty much nothing that was promised. But they did let us board first so we could sit together, and FOUR HOURS, people. I can barely do that going 80 mph in my car.

We arrived Saturday morning, because I was too cheap to pay for 2 nights in a hotel. At Grandpa's request we headed to the cloisters. I was reminded why I have never been here in all my NYC visits -- it's halfway to Canada. Seriously, we were on the subway forEVER.

Speaking of subways, everytime I ride one in NYC with my kid, I re-invent the stroller-backpack in my head. It's a stroller with straps that you can hoist on your back to get down the stairs, as there are almost no elevators. Instead, the three adults tag teamed the two kids and I used my muscles enough that I don't feel bad about my sporadic trips to the gym this month. I still got it, baby.

At the cloisters Marielle often mentioned how "boring" (bored) she was, until she started taking on the role of tour guide and leading people around the gardens. She made up names for all the plants, which is pretty much what normal tour guides do, I would think. "And here we have the purple aramama flower..."

FYI - Cloisters: also not accessible or stroller friendly.

After surviving all that culture, we rewarded Marielle with a stop at a huge local playground. I don't want to say she got lost, but let's just say she was temporarily misplaced while under another's care. She heard me via her Phonak FM while I was playing with her cousin, became jealous, and went to find us, of course heading to the opposite end of the playground. I knew the FM had a range of 100 feet and she couldn't have gone far. I quickly learned I could talk to her and give her instructions about where to go to meet me. Don't you wish you had a deaf kid?! Magic. If it were two way it would be even better, but one way is better than nothing.

At the end of the day she was begging to go to bed.

Tip 2: until your kid is so heavy you can no longer push a stroller with them in it, bring the stroller. It's a pain on the subways, but come 6 pm when they nap for the first time in recent history, you'll be glad the stroller is carrying them and not you. (The next day I used it exclusively for our luggage and as a battering ram to deal with tourists.)

Day two began with us trying to rally the troops to meet up. Our hotel was right next to the Hershey's and M&Ms stores, so we did a quick lap in each and then headed to the Disney store while we waited on everyone else. I gave her the speech about how she got to pick out ONE toy but it had to be an affordable toy and don't beg for more etc. etc. She followed the rules perfectly. Meanwhile I spent two hours and a hundred dollars on things I had to have. I swear they pump some sort of magic into that place that puts you in a buying trance.

We finally met up with the rest of our family at Toys R Us. What better time to do all the expensive tourist things than when you can make someone else pay, right??

Dad and I took the taxi cab car on the Ferris Wheel while Marielle, her cousin, Grandma, and my cousin all rode in the My Little Pony car. The sacrifices you make for your kids!

Before we knew it, it was time to board the 5 pm bus home. We never made it to the one thing she really wanted to see, giving me an excuse to immediately plan our return trip.

We took my old standby, Bolt, this time. No leather seats or seatbelts like I've had in the past, and a completely insane boarding process you would have to see to believe. We changed seats four times before finding one with outlets and seats that reclined but we finally found what we were after. I was surrounded by dudes in their 20s who annoyed me to no end, playing video games with the sound on, talking on their cell phones for HOURS, and trying to pick up the ladies around them. Meanwhile my 4 year old was perfectly behaved and I was even able to catch a few winks.

Don't be surprised if our return trip happens before month's end. I have never been so proud of my kid! She didn't complain (much) and was willing to go at warp-Monica-speed, which is a lot more than I can say for most adults.

Riddle wrapped up in an enigma

2011-05-27T01:57:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my brother graduated from Harvard with his graduate degree in .... still unclear on that. Pretty sure nobody's gonna care what it's in, since it's from Harvard.

To the rest of the world he's now a competent adult with a lovely family and the world at his fingertips. To me he'll always be the kid screaming bloody murder, clinging to the chain link fence as mom and I drove away from his swim lessons as fast as possible. Pretty sure I was laughing then; definitely laughing now.

One day he may actually be president...and I shall be his Roger Clinton.

Soon I shall be the only child of four without a graduate degree. Bet my parents never thought it would end up like that.

Then again, last night I won a "best booty shaker" and also "strongest arms" award at Zumba class, and I'm pretty sure they never saw that coming either.

The end, part 1.

2011-05-26T00:24:00.000-04:00

Three-ish more weeks of schools.

Farm school ends this week; today was the teacher's last day.

Penguin school ends on the 9th, but I'll be out of town the whole week for work. Barry is assigned to attend the final program and immediately forward videos.

Deaf school ends June 14, even though the school district doesn't end for another week. Yes, my child's education revolves around the schedules of the bus drivers. Something about the seniors and early release blah blah blah lousy excuse for cheating us out of a week of schooling.

The last weeks of school are always filled with field trips, ice-cream socials, programs, award ceremonies, and more. The schools have gone from being my babysitter to my task master.

Next year will be so much easier, without the constant driving around, lunches in car between schools, etc., but I can't exactly say with faith it will be better for anyone. Except my wallet. Unless we go AWOL from public schools, my wallet will appreciate that the days of paying school tuition are over!

(I think I deserve an award for not once taking her to the wrong preschool. Our schedule was insane!)

I'm not spending that imaginary tuition money yet though. We'll see what happens over the summer with our ongoing battle...

Let's just say I haven't put down any deposits, but I am well aware of availability at area preschools and continue my tours.

Bragging.

2011-05-25T23:18:00.002-04:00

Here come the brides

2011-05-24T01:24:00.001-04:00

Today Marielle declared she was marrying her friend O. from school.

Several days ago Mari declared she had already married both her friend and the friend's twin sister. After debating explaining polygamy I finally settled with, "Sisters can't marry each other," and decided I can no longer watch Sister Wives with her in the room. Also remind me not to watch anything on OWN while she's awake, as she's already asking all sorts of questions I do not wish to answer in the aisles of Target.

Barry suggested to Marielle that she might decide to marry a boy, which she challenged with, "Boys are screamy and mean! And I don't dream about boys daddy, just girls and.....you." She also corrected him with, "DADDY. IT'S OK TO BE DIFFERENT." All that liberal propaganda is paying off!

Now that she's picked her favorite twin, she's rounded out her future and decided on three kitty cats, two kids, and a high powered career. Marielle is going to be a doctor--she's set up a two room clinic in the house with another invisible doctor--while her wife stays home with the babies. As part of her role play this afternoon, I gladly played the part of sick-patient-reading-magazines-in-bed.

This girl has a plan. A plan that includes a 10-tiered wedding cake.

My kid can read!

2011-05-23T14:17:00.005-04:00

During the past four years the extent of Marielle's attempt at reading was her walking up to a book one day, pointing, and declaring, "That says 'Virginia.'" She never has seemed too interested in figuring out the actual words, prefering we read everything to her. And by everything, I mean this book. Over and over and over.

I tried to help her read a story to me once and she told me that it wasn't my job to teach her to read, saying, "That's what teachers do."

Lucky me she's come around, and gone from being a non-reader to sitting down and reading me almost entire books. OK, they're easy books, but she still is reading and interested in figuring out what she cannot yet read. (They weren't books she's read before, so don't think I'm one of those parents who tells the teacher their kid can read when really they've just memorized the books.)

I tried to put in a DVD yesterday and she pitched a fit because she wanted another DVD to help her "learn how to read." After 3 years of non-interested, she's begging to watch this boring piece of blah.

This is probably not going to help my battle to get her additional school services, so let's just keep this on the down low for now. Expect her to go back in September and being sent home with a note that she needs to be re-evaluated for special ed eligibility.

Momtessori school is ON!

Man servant

2011-05-21T17:00:00.000-04:00

First of all, if you used to read our other blog and now can't, please e-mail me at my gmail address - mjp3md - and I'll add you so you have permission. Just have to keep it under wraps until our legal battle is over.

My dad - aka grandpa - came to town to attend Marielle's IEP on Tuesday. Always good to have another person with you, especially when you dress them in a suit and they look lawyerish. A good time was had by all. (<--Not intended to be a factual statement.)

Since Grandpa was here, I was able to take a break from my usual chauffeur duties and attend an incredible seminar with Dr. Don on Wednesday. I almost forgot I had signed up to be the mommy reader that week at Farm School, but he filled in. He read the Berenstein Bears classic, "Too Much Junk Food," while the kids sat and ate someone's birthday cupcakes. Everyone raved about his performance, though apparently it wasn't convincing enough that anyone stopped mid-cupcake and asked for carrots.

Thursday I attended a seminar with Pete Wright, infamous special ed laywer. Afterwards I met our old Teacher of the Deaf for dinner. Dad came and continued his role of manny--or as I like to say, faux-pair. (Barry's been at work so much lately I think the last time I saw him for 2 hours straight was probably our IEP on Tuesday.)

Friday we finally released Grandpa from his indentured servitude so he could visit the happiest place on earth. Saturday he was right back at work corralling both Marielle and one of my friend's kids. Let me tell you, I was quite tempted to cancel his return flight home, but I feel like by this point he would have hitched a ride out of town if he had to.

Marielle cried and screamed and whined the whole way home from the airport, saying she wanted Grandpa to stay. Luckily we'll see him next week in New York! Believe me, I'm going to use it to force her to behave for the next seven days. I've already started hyping up the flying alone/unaccompanied minor possibilities that await us after her fifth birthday. Mama wants to go to Hawaii!!

Baby's first Beaglefest

2011-04-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

Marielle believes if she shuts her eyes and/or hides under your shirt, no one will want to talk to her or even know she's there. I'm not a fan, especially when I'm wearing a dress. Today as we headed to beaglefest I explained what she could expect there, how she should behave towards the dogs, and how to introduce herself to the other kids.

Me: ...and when you see another kid you might say something like, "Hi, my name is Mari. What's your name?"

Mari: But what if it's a boy?

Me: That's OK. You should be polite and have nice manners everyone, even boys.

Mari: Disgusting.

Me: What did you say? (thinking I misheard her.)

Mari: Disgusting. I don't talk to boys.

She did make the one exception.

Easter 2011

2011-04-29T22:47:00.028-04:00

Obligatory Easter recap:

"Mommy, the Easter Bunny got me everything that I wanted on my list!!!" Favorite "treat" in basket: Disney Fairy Gummy vitamins.

Marielle made a card for the Easter bunny:

Which we delivered in person. And yes, I let her pick out the outfit.

My star fish

2011-04-22T22:36:00.001-04:00

It took us 60 lessons to get here. I counted.

About 20 lessons in, I started wondering how in the world my parents ever had time to make sure all four of their kids learned how to swim. I still don't really know.

The hardest part was convincing Marielle to put her face in the water--until I discovered Disney princess dive sticks. Tossed them in, and she dove for the bottom. Over and over and over. As soon as I figured out how quickly she responded to bribes, I started waving this in front of her face until she jumped in the pool unassisted. Took about 45 minutes.

If your kid has not yet learned to swim, I would recommend starting with private or small group lessons. Through the county she's in a class with 6 kids -- huge waste of time and money. In a 30 minute class, each kid swims 5 minutes. I am only keeping her in at this point because she has a CLT and needs practice using one. (And because she is in a gymnastics class at the same facility, right before swimming.)

When your child is first learning, go to the pool several times a week--2 at minimum. The most progress we ever made was when she had class 5 days in a row. I will not summon the motivation to take my kid swimming often unless I've already paid for it. Nothing will make me waste money already invested!

Things I have done during the 44 lessons where Barry and/or I were not in the pool:

Laps in the adjacent lane.
Jacuzzi. Love this one, as I can still watch her, yet enjoy myself too.
Waterslides!!!
Pumped iron (while watching from a room above the pool).
Napped on the pool deck. Yep, the floor.
Napped on the pool deck benches.
Napped in the sauna.
Steam room.
Sat on the side of the pool cueing and/or signing.
Sat on the side of the pool yelling at the teachers who insist on playing "red light, green light" with a deaf kid. SERIOUSLY, people. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. SESSION.

We've taught our kid to talk and to swim (or at least made sure she learned these skills one way or another). I guess now that my two priorities are crossed out, I should update my to-do list.....or, I could just go take a nap some place besides a cold, damp pool deck while she is raised by cable TV. Tempting.

Lab rat.

2011-04-21T02:13:00.000-04:00

How do I amuse myself when left to care for my own child? Scientific experiments!

Today the local university grad students decided to try the infamous marshmallow test with Marielle (among many other tests). They offered marshmallows, M&Ms, or goldfish crackers as the treat. She chose marshmallows, perhaps her favorite food in the entire world.

We watched via video feed from the next room. I told them to not even bother getting me a chair, as I expected it would be over in 20 seconds.

Was I ever wrong.

(didn't actually get out of chair, but thought about it for a second)

Success! She lasted every second of that 15 minutes.

I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure from what I've read on google that Marielle's pretty much guaranteed perfect SAT scores and wealth. Also, she won't grow up to be a bully or drug addict. Verdict is still out on if she will spend years in therapy, angry she couldn't waste away her Spring Breaks like a normal child: lounging on the couch watching the gameshow network for 12 hours a day.

Score

2011-04-20T23:59:00.000-04:00

This year's Spring Break includes soccer camp (90 minutes) in the morning for Marielle and daily 30 minute swim lessons. She's not so enthused about soccer, but it does keep her moving and busy, and gives us a reason to get out of the house each day.

There's another kid in the class named Mari who is a total pain in the rear. I'm convinced she has an undiagnosed disability, plus today I found out she's 3 and her dad snuck her into the 4-5 class so she could be with her sister. I suppose it's good listening practice for Marielle to have to tune out every time the coach yells at other-Mari.

90 minutes isn't really long enough to make it worth it for me to go home, so I keep busy with totally normal mom activities like reading, talking to my friends on the phone and cheering her on from the sidelines.

Joking!

I really do things like clean out my car (including washing the floor mats in the parking lot and then driving off with one still on top of my car), going for an hour long walk around the golf course, sneaking into the nearby rec center's weight room and napping in the grass.

She's on a horse.

2011-04-19T01:15:00.000-04:00

The first time I rode a horse I was 10. The second time, in my 20s. If Marielle goes riding one more time, she'll have me beat.

As long as I don't have to pay a dime and she doesn't come home with a traumatic brain injury, I guess I'll live with the risk. (The interwebs is scary and I need to stay away!!) At least until she starts riding faster than I can ski - .005 mph. - I'll let the adorable pictures outweigh the fear that grips my soul.

I expect by Friday she'll be lifeguarding.

2011-04-18T11:59:00.000-04:00

Marielle started a Spring Break swim class at the Y - 30 minutes every afternoon for 5 days straight. Being the smartest-woman-alive that I am, I waited until last night to sign up when I was sure there was only one other kid in the class. I am tired of paying for a 30 minute class with 6 kids where she participates for 5 minutes.

Well, child 1 freaked out, leaving just mine and the teacher. In 30 minutes Marielle made more progress than she's made in the last 2 months.

I refused to let him put the floatie backpack on her. I find most parents stick their kids in classes that are too advanced, and the teachers are wise to that and dumb everything down 10 notches. Summer is on the horizon; I don't have time for such shenanigans.

In one half hour, he had her doing all sorts of new things, including THE BACKSTROKE. A kid who just 2 weeks ago learned to doggie paddle on her own for more than 4 feet can now do the backstroke. By herself.

She just might be swimming laps in the pool by summer after all!

Recipe for disaster

2011-04-17T22:15:00.003-04:00

Per popular request (1 person, which is a large number of requests for my blog) I am posting the recipe for last week's cake.

The inspiration came from this cake shared originally by Amy. I instantly knew it would be a great welcome-back-to-America-cake for a certain someone.

I thought I could improve upon it even more by making all layers from scratch. Then I realized I was making this for someone who is a a chef and ~~bakery~~ cereal scientist and actually knows what cake should taste like. I decided it was much easier - and more All-American - to go with the 100% processed version. In the end, I did have to use 5 eggs, but otherwise it was pure chemicals, baby!

As I was making it I was actually repulsed by the individual components, that I of course had to try. I haven't been eating much junk food lately and this really almost turned me off it for good. However, once it was all assembled, I found it crazy delicious and ate it for 3 meals straight. OK, four.

Burp.

Consider yourself warned: the final version has over 20,000 calories, 1,000+ g of fat , and almost 500 teaspoons of sugar. In a little, tiny 12" cake. Oh, and the ingredients will set you back $26, at least at Giant.

(cookie dough not pictured)

CAKE

Top layer: funfetti cake (my 1st attempt was a failure so I went another brand's rip off the 2nd time). Next time (as if) I would make this layer a little less thick.
Middle layer: 2 tubes of pre-made cookie dough, smashed into circular cake like shape. Unlike the original, I actually shaped mine in a pan, refrigerated it, then added it on top.
Bottom layer: brownie mix.

All 3 layers were made in different shaped pans, for speed's sake. Then I stuck them in the freezer for a bit, piled them on top of each other, and carved them into mostly the same shape. Much frosting helps cover up the rest.

(pre-carving. Also pre-aborting funfetti and starting over for that layer.)

TOPPINGS

2 cans of white Pillsbury frosting. Is white a flavor? It didn't really taste like a real taste, so maybe it is. You def. need 2 cans to make it super delicious.
1 can of Pillsbury chocolate frosting in an aerosol can type thing that I found spooky. It is just a little too soft to make actual impressive shapes. It does make a nice cookie/candy glue however.
Whoppers!
Chips-a-hoy (I went with the Reeses PB chunk kind)
Krispy Kreme mini-donuts

My favorite part of this - besides eating it - was using some of the fancy cake techniques I learned back in December. Things like freezing the layers + crumb coating of icing, etc.--that really don't matter when you are covering the entire cake in cookies and candy. Oh well, good practice.

In the end Marielle refused to even touch the cake, declaring it had too much junk food. Wise choice. I went with the opposite approach, and my entire digestive tract protested for days.

Bribery

2011-04-16T18:56:00.000-04:00

We made Easter baskets for Marielle's SIX teachers (3 teachers, 3 assistants.) She was absolutely set on which teacher got which color bucket.

For deaf school she told me, "Mrs. L (teacher) gets purple and Mrs. G (asst.) gets pink." When I asked how she came to this decision, she explained that, "The purple bucket has the fancy flowers and Mrs. L. is the one that gives the timeouts."

I knew he was coming, so I baked a cake.

2011-04-15T08:30:00.001-04:00

Brock eats. And eats and eats.

Fame!

2011-04-11T13:37:00.000-04:00

Barry follows a strings company on facebook that recently posted a picture of Marielle on their wall. He wondered where in the heck they got it, since it's an older one and not on any of our many webpages/wall/blogs.

Look familiar? Yep, if you do a google image search for "baby playing guitar," there's our kid as the very first image!

That image is from the same photo shoot at 9 months that resulted in book and magazine covers, though it's a different photo than both of those.

Hope she's not shy as she grows up. I don't think we could get her scrubbed from the internet if we tried.

Wishful thinking

2011-04-05T13:36:00.001-04:00

I was driving Marielle to the babysitter's house after school today. She's back at her old daycare for the week as I have a conference, and all the work leading up to a conference.

In between whines I explained to Mari that I had to work so I could make money so we could pay for things like toys and food and our house.

"WE'RE GETTING A NEW HOUSE!?"

She couldn't quite grasp the concept that someone let us live in this one without paying for it in full.

Marielle suggested instead of going to work I just get some money from my "jar," aka my change collection.

Nobody tell her that not only are we not getting a house, but she'll still be paying off this one long after we're dead.

Miracles do happen

2011-04-05T10:25:00.001-04:00

As I said on twitter a few weeks ago, I've got my Michelle Obama arms ready for summer! Too bad about my Oprah everything else.

My favorite part of working out at the Y -- the monthly reports I get from the fitlinxx system! This is the one I got for March, which seemed like a slower month with fewer workouts (due to travel and injuries) but I guess wasn't so bad after all.

In the past 10 weeks I've only lost 2 lbs, due mostly to the fact that I love me some nachos, etc. Traveling is never good for the waistline. The good news is I still dropped a pants size due to my new weight lifting regime. I am ripped!! Well, under the extra 35 lbs of nachos I'm carrying I am; I just know it.

In other bragging, turns out I can run. Without stopping to walk or having a heart attack or anything. I remember even in elementary/middle/high school I could never even complete a mile without some walking. Apparently after three months of zumba, stair climbing, etc., my heart and lungs have finally come around. (Unfortunately I have a foot injury that makes running regularly a bad idea, but I totally could do it if I didn't mind the crippling pain and subsequent years of numbness.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to ride an elephant down to the local ice-cream parlor to celebrate my successes.

There is life outside your apartment

2011-03-27T01:29:00.001-04:00

New family rule: a trip to NYC with my four year old requires both a stroller AND a car.

Barry always wants me to leave the stroller at home when we take Marielle to NYC. Thankfully I learned from past mistakes -- it takes Marielle 3.6 days to walk 1 block -- and completely ignored him.

Luckily I had amazing luck finding free parking spots, even overnight. OK, so maybe the roundel was stolen off my car at some point, but buying a new one was still cheaper than paying for parking.

DAY ONE

5:30 am - Depart home for NYC. From our front door to the middle of Manhattan: three hours and forty minutes. Magic. That's how I did it: magic.

Mari sleeps in the car NONE.

9:30 am - Drop our civil war hero off for parade prep.

10:15 am - Upper West Side for breakfast. Regret not stuffing extra pancakes in pocket. How was I to know the parade would be seven hours long?

11:30 am - Stop so Marielle can smell every. single. flower. The flower guy even gave her one before we had to rush off as our meter was almost up.

12:30 pm - Central Park playground, upper West Side. I appear to be the only mother at the playground with her own child. Consider paying off an au pair/nanny/homeless man so I can catch a quick nap.

1:30 pm - It's parade time! (It actually started at 11 am, but we had the official schedule and knew Barry's band didn't leave until 2:10.)

Lunch.

Amuse ourselves for about 20 minutes taking pictures of ourselves.

(Parade post to follow, therefore withholding awesome pictures of parade hilarity.)

4:30 pm - After failed attempt to chase down our soldier, we go toward the first food we can find: Mariella pizza. Somebody really should tell them they spelled it wrong.

Marielle picks out a piece (no tomato sauce!); promptly has second thoughts.

Mommy to the rescue; all is better.

Stupid vegetables messing up her pizza.

5:30 pm - Well, as long as we're on this side of town...

Dylan's candy bar!

7:00 pm - Finally, off to our hotel, the newly opened Hilton Fashion District. Barry was snoozing in the lobby, awaiting our arrival. Being that it's NYC, no one appears to find it odd that someone is lounging around in historically accurate civil war attire. I LOVE NY.

Art behind front desk is made out of spools of thread.

Rooms were going for around $350 that night; we stayed for free. Don't doubt my skills.

Within a block were some of my old favorites: Megabus stop, Martha show, Upright Citizens Brigade and a Whole Foods. I do recommend the hotel if you can find a good rate. Get a room with two beds and sneak four people into it; it's the only way you'll afford it. Unless you are with me, of course (see above, re: awesome).

8:00 pm - Marielle is bathed and asleep. Barry too has an early bedtime. I leave to wander the streets. I shall not tell you about what happened next, as I'm sure your imagination can invent something much more exciting than my reality.

To be continued....

Road warriors

2011-03-26T22:47:00.001-04:00

The busier and more interesting my life, the less time I have to even think about writing about it. This month I went to Pennsylvania to ski, to Tennessee to see my grandma, back to PA to ski, to NY for the St Patty's Day parade, back to PA to ski, and soon will cram one last vacation in before month's end. (Despite all previous references to skiing, I probably spent no more than 8 hours in actual skis. And yet weeks later, my knees are still sore.)

I really do hope to get around to writing about some of this month's adventures, but just in case...here are some pictures. Make up your own stories. For real - do it! And if they're good give them to me and I'll publish them as my own.

Generations of awesome.

"Um, aren't you forgetting something?"

The first time I ever ate at Alice's Tea Cup was at this branch (?) with, of course, Alice. She actually sat in that exact same chair. (Why yes, remembering where I sat in a restaurant 3 years ago is actually something I do. Remembering where I left my keys 5 minutes ago? That is not something I do.) I have a picture of it somewhere but cannot even remember what year it was. I do remember after I bought an orange sunkist for the guy holding our spots in line at the Colbert Report. See? Brain = overflowing with uselessness. (updated - wait, I found it! Thank goodness for my historian.)

Here we are at an awesome kids' cafe/art studio I shall not link to for reasons that will soon become apparent.

Marielle wouldn't eat the chicken until I told her it was owl meat. Noticing it had pepper, I clarified it was spotted owl meat. She gobbled it up.

Ohyeahbytheway John Stoowert was right next to me as I took that picture. Yes, I know I spelled that wrong, I just don't want him or his people to see his name and figure out what an uberstalker I am -- and a successful one at that. Yeah, my kid totally played with his kids. And I'm sure he would've invited us up to his penthouse for crumpets or something, but the fam was off to the shore for a long weekend.

When I tell people the story about "hanging out" with his family (aka standing right next to them and acting cool aka not putting my camera in his face) they act like it is such an amazing coincidence because they never see celebrities, blah blah blah. Right. Coincidence. That's the ticket. It's not like I knew he lived upstairs and his wife owned the place and the show was on vacation and the kids were on Spring Break and their dogs' names are...yeah, because that would be creepy, not cool. Total coincidence - let's go with that.

Now I shall distract you with the craziest thing I can think of:

Yep. Some women marry men who turn out to be gay. I married a man who turns out to enjoy being one of those civil war costumey guys.

It gets worse.

Yep. A guy who is into pricey civil war costumes who is in a MARCHING BAND. (Grounds for annulment!) I don't remember that coming up in premarital counseling.

You can't process me with a normal brain

2011-03-14T14:41:00.002-04:00

Meet my first ski partner, NG.

NG's a great ski buddy because nothing makes you feel better about your own skills than mocking others--which we did non-stop from the safety of the chair lift (but not as much when we were within ski-pole poking range). Also she knows all the hilarious Charlie Sheen quotes and was able to converse all day in this new crazy language. She's spent the last 10+ years effortlessly and magically converting my tin cans into pure gold. Plus she comes back and writes about the day so you really don't have to.

Turns out NG had a secret ski past I was not made aware of in advance. Or I probably was, but was too busy thinking about cheese or something. She quickly moved on from my skill level (standing, mostly without falling) to things like skiing down mountains. Her downside as a ski buddy is that she is too optimistic about your abilities. Ski with her and you may find yourself rolling down a mountain your brain is not yet equipped to handle. Note to newbies - the ski patrol is significantly more lazy and/or absent in the afternoon.

For round two I decided my family was up to the challenge. We drove halfway there before I realized I'd left our helmets, goggles and snow pants at home and we had to turn around. I think I paid $15 in tolls that morning. Good times.

By lunch time Barry was skiing circles around me. OK, by the time we got our equipment on he was skiing circles around me. Thoroughout the day, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world.

I am going to win, every moment.

Marielle was enrolled in an all day camp for kids. They had two 2-hour lessons, one in the morning and one in the afternoon with lunch and snack/rest time in between. I would pay any amount of money for someone else to teach my kid to ski. Though it was supposedly a group class, Marielle had her own instructor! Four hours of private lessons for $100- can't beat that.

The teacher wore her FM system so she could hear him better. (Unfortunately despite our best efforts to tape her cochlear implant to her head, she told me after the fact that her coil had fallen off her head, rendering it useless. Luckily she still had the hearing aid side.)

After lunch we went to spy on her and couldn't find her anywhere. I was peeved she wasn't in class and confused when I couldn't find her in the daycare...until we spotted an itsy bitsy pink speck at the top of the run! They were already up to riding the chair lift and skiing down the entire green run.

Duh! WINNING!

Now interviewing potential ski buddies for next season. Qualifications:

1. No skiing experience.
2. Will remember to take my picture at least once. (Ahem, Barry.)
3. Will not point out obvious things that might make me cry, like the fact that my four year old may already be better than me.
4. Willing to take lots of breaks, preferably at the tavern for pie.

We saw many patches of grass on the mountain, and they closed for the winter two days later. See you next year, mountain that shames me.

Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it that way.

Equine therapy

2011-03-08T09:07:00.001-05:00

Summer 2010 in Kansas City was spent overcoming fears at the local carousel. Marielle would scream and cling to me in fear, yet somehow was always willing to try again. (Or was not strong enough to resist is more likely.)

Marielle always demanded we sit on the bench or ride in that spinning thing that makes me want to hurl.

I would let her start there, then we would move on to the clinging screaming thing. Finally after three weeks of almost daily visits and lots and lots of tokens, she got up her nerve to ride without attaching the majority of her limbs to my body. We even visited the local zoo and made them regret offering an unlimited ride pass.

Fast forward to this week, when we visited my favorite carousel of all time and she informed me she was going to ride it twenty times.

We settled on three, but only because I promised to take her shoe shopping.

Incidentally - I was very impressed at the modern, edgy art they had installed at the park. One of those man-on-bench sculptures. It looked so life like I couldn't believe my eyes, not to mention the south is not exactly known for being progressive. We went closer to inspect it and found it was an actual homeless man. My bad.

Cue the violins

2011-03-03T00:57:00.000-05:00

Last Wednesday I left town for a work gig North Carolina; Marielle didn't see me again until Saturday. This Tuesday she woke up to find me gone again. Mari spent the afternoon at her old daycare--a place she hadn't visited since summer, due to me staying home with her and/or shuttling her from place to place. Barry picked her up that evening, then took her out for dinner and treats. Upon arrival home she realized I still wasn't home and declared to Barry in her most pathetic voice, "I guess I don't have a mommy anymore."

At first I felt slightly guilty, but now I think I need to be gone even more so she gets used to it again. Vegas, anyone? (Before volunteering, please read the eligibility details.)

In the beginning.

2011-03-02T11:46:00.000-05:00

Mission accomplished.

2011-03-01T23:20:00.003-05:00

SUPERSTAR.

Who, me? Ski? No, never? whooosh-whooosh-whoooosh SEE YA AT THE BOTTOM!

Stay tuned for more, including America's funniest home video.

Marching on

2011-03-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

It feels like I hardly saw the inside of the gym in February. Many times napping won over Zumba, birthday celebrations won over weight lifting, and so on.

After busting my tail to get to the top of the pack in January, I found that no matter how many times I bugged the YMCA staff, they still wouldn't update the monthly top ten lists that had been up since October. I really wanted that visual proof that I was the fourth most awesome woman at the gym. (Later I found out that at least 2 of the 3 above me work there full time. I hearby disqualify them and award myself a medal!!)

I vowed to get back in gear in March. Once I miss one day it's easy to miss two, and then three...and then before you know it, it's 2002 all over again and I've paid $1200 to visit the gym one time all year. I much prefer the going-every-day plan, even if all I do is my physical therapy exercises or ~~sanctioned napping~~ yoga.

Then I saw the report of this month and figured out it wasn't such a bad month after all.

                            Feb 28         Jan 28

Workouts                18               24
Cardio time            20:06          31:05
Cardio calories     11,423        18,834
Weight lifted        125,973     129,347

I also figured out that I lost little weight in February (versus 20+ lbs in January) not because of my workouts but because of the pie(s) and cake(s) and boxes of girl scout cookies and so on. I accept this fact and vow March will be better, but did say hasta la vista to the good life with one final indulgence. Well, one and a half indulgences if you count the fact I finished Mari's.

I love that the online report I get from Fitlinxx measures my weight in elephants. (Weight LIFTED I should say. My own weight is no longer measured in elephants.) 125,973 lbs. = 15 Elephants! I enjoy coming home and telling Barry, "I lifted an elephant tonight!"

99.9% of Cootie readers care and know little or nothing about weight lifting, so I'll just say two of my brothers taught me some new techniques and now I'm lifting more weight in less time and am way stronger and invite all of you to arm wrestle me for proof. Except for the .1% of you that do care. You are not invited to my arm-wrestle-off because I do not like to lose.

Semantics

2011-02-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

Was my 2011 resolution to learn to ski, or to attempt to learn to ski?

Tomorrow I shall mark at least one of those two things off the list.

Don't rob my house while I'm gone. On second thought, do. I could use the insurance money. Skiing ain't cheap.

Mari the Science Kid

2011-02-23T10:07:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday we told Marielle we were going to spend the day in DC. The first thing she said, "I want to see Albert Einstein!" Apparently last summer's mommy summer school really stuck with her. It was freezing and the winds were fierce, so we just slowed the car as we drove by Einstein. In the winter the bare trees make this an acceptable substitute; the climbing can wait until summer.

Our first stop was the National Building Museum's Discover Engineering Day. I knew there was going to be a special appearance by Sid the Science Kid, which in our world is bigger than any Disney princess. (OK, maybe not bigger, but equal to.) After meeting Sid, we stayed to ~~eat popcorn~~ learn some stuff.

I think I learn as much from Sid as Mari does. (Except when I use that time to nap on the couch, which is most of the time.)

(Next time we'll aim to be there right at 10 am to avoid the crowds!)

We conned Marielle into behaving by telling her she had to be good if she wanted to go to the Lincoln Memorial. She also insisted we show her, "the place where the bad man shot Abraham Lincoln with the nun." (Speech impediments can be hilarious!) Maybe I taught her one too many facts about our 16th president.

Quote of the week -
"Only grown ups can touch nuns. If I see a nun, I have to tell a grown up, 'Oh no! A nun! Put it in a safe place!"

Knock on wood

2011-02-20T21:53:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the wind really out did itself. Fires erupted all over the area, closing even I-95 for awhile.

Me, yesterday: "I can't believe this wind hasn't blown our fence over!"

(That, kids, is what's known as foreshadowing.)

Me, today: "Hey, how did Cosmo get out?"

That's how.

I wish someone would've thrown a cigarette butt out their window in our direction yesterday.

Last week came with a host of unexpected car repairs. The fence shall be repaired with a sledgehammer and a cable, i.e. I will knock down the rest of the fence and start tying up the dogs.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

At the Y making a card for Daddy

Valentine's Pajama Brunch at Mon Ami Gabi

It's like hearing your eulogy while you're still alive

2011-02-11T12:36:00.028-05:00

Happy 60th, Pa!

In honor of my father's 60th birthday, my three brothers and I have gathered a list of 60 memories/funny things about our dad. (Like how I just conned them into writing 75% of today's post?)

There are 15 from each of us. Those who know all four of us can try to guess who said what. Sometimes things require further elaboration and therefore my notes are in italics. Sometimes they require further elaboration but you're going to have to ask if you really want to know the full story. If you have a memory to add, please leave it in the comments.

If you want to know what your kids will remember about you, this will give you a pretty good idea.

Our Top 60 (or the first 60 things that came to mind)

Every time he would try to get us to stop playing Nintendo by turning the TV off, not realizing that the Nintendo was still running.

Quizzing me on US state, European and South American capitals on the way to school...but not African or Asian capitals. (Racist.)

Telling our team not to guard Kurtis Dekat/demolishing Travis Machor's teams in MPRD in one of our three undefeated seasons.

Always trying to grow tomatoes on that side of the house WHERE NO TOMATOES HAVE EVER GROWN.

Mowing a path to the pond so that nature lovers everywhere (him) can walk back there

His reliance on WordPerfect for far too long--because he knew "the codes" like CTRL+C to copy

Buying us a computer with RoadWar2000 and CommandHQ so we can say we knew what floppy disks and DOS were.

He loves Sex & The City--the edited versions, the ones without all the boobs.

He is the only person who has a PhD and also loves Desperate Housewives.

His love for college team sweatshirts that don't have hoods

Green dockers. (Once he wore these on a plane. The flight attendant thought he was mentally challenged and upgraded him.)

Orange converse (They're just jealous because I had matching ones.)

Evolution of Dad's cooking: Fishsticks --> Fish filets --> Monkey brains --> Spaghetti --> La Fiesta

That one time I played Dad in Tecmo and beat him by like 75 points with the Cardinals.

Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh BAH buh buh ba-puh-ba-baaa-baa-ba-da-da-da-daaaaa Bah buh buh buh buh ba pa buh...ba puh buh ba buh buh buh buh buh ba pa buh....ba buh buh bah buh baaaaaaaaaaah, buh ba pa ba pa bahhhhhhh....(<--That trumpet song he plays with Dr. Bob every Easter.)

Having perfect pitch enables him to be anywhere in the house and yell at us when we forget a sharp or flat in the key signature, as if black keys have ever been important in playing music.

One time in third grade we were at Grandpa's house playing basketball against Damon and Grant and he let a call go against us that cost us the game, so I got mad and punched him in the stomach and ran away and hid in Grandpa's basement and cried under a table.
He reluctantly gave us a tour of Compton and let Damon buy a 40 to drink under the Compton Blvd. sign for a photo op.

I don't think there is enough toilet reading in the downstairs bathroom.
Or half-full shampoo bottles stolen from hotels.

For your 60th birthday we got you 60 drums of Diet Pepsi from Mini Mart! aka one day's rations.

For your 60th birthday we got you 60 pairs of shoes!...which you must cut up and glue together to make one pair of super-wide-soled shoes to fit your boat feet.

The best part about dad as a Parks & Rec coach was when you would give the "It's easier to become a neurosurgeon than an NBA star, oh, and don't do drugs" speech to a bunch of sixth graders.

His little stuffed "I is a brane" doll with the graduation cap taught me about irony.

The best part about dad as a home basketball coach was when we were little kids and either Grant or I wanted to shoot a 3 on the mini-basket in the basement of our old house; he'd make stupid fat Damon move off to the side so we could shoot totally unobstructed. Damon would pout like a li'l bizznitch, it was awesome.

He invested literally over a hundred of dollars in vending machine money each year as a trick to get us to keep taking piano lessons. (Damn, this was going to be one of mine. I really liked when we got a whole buck and could get a fruit pie.)

When I was in 6th grade he came to my class' Living History presentation, and when Dustin came onstage looking and talking like Paul McCartney, dad started laughing uncontrollably and had to leave while Dustin was talking. Luckily it wasn't very noticeable because he was only sitting in the front row.

Eating lots of weird gross food, always.

CANDY DRAFT! (When dad goes overseas he brings back tons of weird candy and we draw numbers and go around the room several times picking our favorites. Nobody tell him 95% of that stuff is sold at Wegmans.)

Always declaring yourself eligible for the NBA draft year after year, despite that you've never had even a nibble from a pro scout. You should try being a neurosurgeon instead, I hear it's way easier. Don't do drugs.

STOP BEIN' BUTTS, YOU BUTTS! YOU GUYS ARE BEIN' BUTTS!

Uhh, I don't thank so.

That time dad let me drive to the hospital when I was like 12 because he took a line drive to the dome from Grant. (I'm going to need to hear this story!)

His futile efforts at making me a musician

His saying "show 'em who's the boss" before every wrestling match

Oh where have you been, Billy Boy, Billy Boy, oh where have you been, charming Billy?

Monkey brains with cheese (Repeat alert! Clearly they were very memorable.)

He's the John Wooden of MPRD (Parks & Rec) basketball.

Backyard football.

No one hoards like he can.

He's the only guy who feeds turkeys in the back yard to draw them in and doesn't shoot them.

When he dyed his hair blonde when Grant's football team made the playoffs.

He's a Handel lovin' fool.

He tried to run through the wall at Ahearn (basketball court) like the Kool-Aid man

He made me to go all the K-State games when they were really crappy in the 1980s so now I can say to all the young punks, "you young punks, you don't know what it used to be like around here."

In 4th grade there was a contest to see who could collect the most aluminum cans to recycle. The class cashed them in and then whoever had the most got to pick what to spend the money on. Clearly I won, as dad and I would pull over at EVERY can in the street. We also scoured the college football stadium after every game for cans we could recycle. (I smelled like stale beer and soda for most of fourth grade.) I think I had more cans than the rest of the class combined. We ended up with a measly $17 and bought a book. Snore.

Likewise, after all the football games we would collect plastic souvenir cups that people had ditched. I am not sure why we needed so many of these or why this didn't totally gross us out.

Once he tried to smuggle a can of Diet Pepsi into a Royals game. The ticket lady actually asked him, "Sir, what's that in your pants?" And yes, he had stuck it right in front. He then proceeded to take it out and pound the whole thing back in about 3 seconds right there in the parking lot.

In my early teens I concocted a fantasy about my real dad who was rich and still lived in California and was searching for me. My dad typed up a letter from my "real" dad who in his version still lived at the dump.

I remember when our first dog died and he spent most of a very hot afternoon digging a very deep grave in the backyard. He was clearly exhausted but never complained. (Downer. My bad.) I also remember that every time one of our pets would die he would donate their bodies to the vet school so the students could practice autopsies. We always found out what killed our animals. (e.g. Tortoise: vitaman A deficiency; Guinea Pig: heart attack.) (Except the dog, who was hit by a car and cause of death was quite clear.)

Once after college I met him in Toronto where he was attending a conference. We went out for Chinese food and he ordered a half a duck. The guy looked at him like he was crazy and suggested less, but clearly did not know my dad. We also spent a ton of time at the Shoe Museum, which we both loved. We make pretty good travel buddies.

Dad always got me sweet jobs for the local university that paid way too well for the skill level I possessed. I learned a lot about typing, computers, and how hard it is to transcribe tapes of people talking about things like Messiaen when you are 14 years old and have never heard of Messiaen.

Thought shalt not EVER go to a performance in which a Corigliano piece is played if you ever want to speak to my father again.

Dad used to like to hide and jump out and scare me. In closets, under the bed, behind doors, whatever - he wasn't picky. Even if I knew he was doing it, it still scared the crap out of me. I would scream and fall to the ground. (Imagine the fun when I got to explain this to a doctor one day who was trying to figure out if I was cataplectic. "He did WHAT?") I finally got him back one day though. He was teaching at the university and I was home from school, maybe a summer vacation or something. I walked all the way to his office--about 1 1/2 miles from our house, aka across our small town. I got the key from the secretary, and then hid in the dark, under his desk for over an hour. TOTALLY worth it.

We used to play chess when I was a kid. He never let me win. Well, maybe he did once. I won exactly one time, which was very exciting. I was so excited I put a sign on my bedroom door that said, "I won my dad at chess." I was way too old to be making such mistakes and am still horrified.

When I was in my early 20s I got a book about John Philip Sousa as my birthday present. That thing made me $19 on ebay!

Dad used to come to a lot of soccer games and I would always yell at him to stop reading and to watch the game. I TOTALLY GET IT NOW.

After he played Easter gigs we used the money to go out to eat, for years at the Ramada Inn buffet until we graduated to Tex-Mex.

Once we carried a burrito all the way from LA to KS on an airplane for my mom. He had it on ice in a cooler, but the cooler leaked the whole way home.

He went to visit his parents in GA when his mom was sick. While Grandpa was off with Grandma in the hospital, they got some mail from a Republican campaign -- a bunch of pencils that said, "Keep English Our National Language!" He stole 'em. Unable to throw anything away, I believe he brought them home and we used them in private.

And a bonus memory from his sister:

He was the GREAT SUPERVISOR-had me build the spook house in the basement with cardboard boxes and blankets, supervising all the way (no labor of course), then charged me to go through it!!!!!

Happy Birthday to the dad I love more than any of them...even the one at the dump.