Overheard in my kitchen

Me: Barry! GO TAKE A NAP!

Barry: I'm not tired!...I'M NOT!

Me: Really? Well let's try a little experiment. Shut your eyes. (pause) Now touch your nose while keeping your....

Let the record reflect that he fell asleep before I even told him to touch his nose.

And yes, he was standing up.

Cornfused?

Did somebody say school bake-off?!

Nigella's burnt-butter brown sugar cupcakes, with embellishment.

Do you know how hard it is to find corn skewers in February? VERY. Wegman's had them in the form of pigs, footballs, golf balls (!) and weiner dogs. But no corn. Bed, Bath and Beyond didn't have them and neither did Safeway. Finally I gave up and dug the few I own out of the depths of the assorted kitchen items drawer.

I ran out of jelly magic beans before we ran out of cupcakes. Amazing, since I bought $13 worth of jelly beans. Marielle ate one without the valuable beans-

She shoved it in her mouth and while trying to chew an entire cupcake at once, furiously began signing for more. Weight problem? What weight problem?

We also made peanut butter fudgie stuff, just in case someone doesn't like "vegetables." This is the small sample size for the chefs.

I paid my chef consultant with a box of 7-year-old hard liquor and a bottle of laundry detergent. It's not hard to find good help these days. Yeah for the bad economy and people who have lots of free time to find themselves.

New vice

I had to replace the diet coke addiction with something!

There was a huge showing for tonight's performance


Interesting instrumentation

Sometimes I even let Marielle play with them.

Sometimes.

We're coming for you, Mike Birbiglia.

Not long ago I took the bus to NYC for 36 hours of relaxation. Most people raise an eyebrow when I use "New York" and "relaxing" in the same sentence, but what's not relaxing about it? Everyone except me is rushing around and I have absolutely no obligations. Plus I get to spend 8 hours of silence by myself on a bus ride that cost $2. What's not to love? AND I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH JON STEWART AND JIMMY CARTER.

I tried to do the entire trip for $25. Why? No reason other than I wanted to see if I could. I'm weird like that. My main expenses:

• $2 - Round trip bus ticket, DC to NY, including surcharges (no, I will not tell you my secrets because then there will be fewer deals for me)
• $6 - Subway fare in NYC
• $9.10 - Bus and metro fare to/from the DC bus stop
• $5.00 - Dinner in NYC (dieting has its advantages)

I also bought a bottle of water and a banana for the trip home, but I think I still made it under $25.

I'm headed back the last weekend of March for a trip with my mommy friends. (Going to see Colbert, again.) I should have planned it a week earlier, before this show ends. I was dying to see it last fall, but never could get away. They extended it for 3 months, and now I have to go, even if it means two bus trips in one month. 13 days and counting!

NG and I are once again packing light as we will be in the city for only 9 hours. Yep - we're spending as much time on the bus as we are in the city. We will arrive home at 4 am and then go right back to mom duty. Who does that!? A couple of weirdos who don't get out enough, that's who.

One of these days I'm going to actually take my family and stay for a few days. But not until it's at least 60 degrees and I have more than $25 to spend. Could be awhile.

Funny faces

At the park last week I put the camera on sport (action) mode and shot away. Every single time she goes down the slide, she makes this face:


See?

Which is almost as funny as her "I'm-icing-cookies-leave-me-alone!" face:

Cutest baby ever face:

Pipe or Internal?

A partial list of items the Lupus Foundation will not accept as donations:

ALUMINUM CANS
FLAMMABLE LIQUIDS OR FOOD
FUTONS (FRAME/MATT) (not even poor people want your futon.)
SCRAP PAPER
INCINERATORS
MAGAZINES
COSMETICS (OPENED) (so unopened is OK?)
MANGLES (Ooh, I learned a new word today!)
WHEEL RIMS
ORGANS

Sunday in the park with Mari

Enough already

Perhaps it was this morning's 4 am wake up call that did it. Until then I was going along just fine, surprisingly surviving just well 7 days as a single mom. Well, technically 9 if you consider Barry was also gone all last weekend either working the graveyard shift, attending a Euphonium conference (!!!) or orchestra rehearsals. But day 8 (10), I just can't take it. I'm grumpy and fed up. A two year old who's being especially terrible = a mom who can speak at a level no softer than a yell.

In Barry's absence I have enjoyed the significantly smaller pile of laundry and dishes, but I am officially ready for his plane to land. One more day and you might find Marielle wandering the street with a shirt reading, "No returns, no exchanges."

Broken record

It's become clear that Kayla is trying to kill herself. (Kayla = our 2nd born beagle.)

In the last two days she has eaten - in addition to the normal stolen food - pieces of a magnetic letter set, a plastic bag, a box of chocolate milk, a diaper and the case for Marielle's hearing aids.

I don't even bother taking the beagles to the vet anymore when they eat things. Nothing's killed them yet, and I don't have the time or the money to take them every single day.

I'm not sure if her final cause of death with be suicide or homicide.

Don't be fooled by their angelic grins.

Loudmouth

A recent experience with Detail Authority in Herndon, VA, inspired me to resurrect our customer service blog. If you've got any good stories you want published for the world to see, email them to me.

Apparently when you take your car to a shop, you can pay hundreds of dollars and have it come back with hundreds more dollars of damage. Add that to a bunch of employees lying to cover their asses and a manager who doesn't know the meaning of customer service, and you get a very fired up Monica.

Disturbing

At first I was horrified to see this flavor in the freezer section of my local Wegmans. I may have even gasped out loud and said, "That's just WRONG!"

And then I immediately thought, "I am so buying this and going to the National Zoo and eating the whole thing in front of Mi Xiang and Tian Tian." Licking panda paws off my lips will show those bears who's boss.

It's baaaack

Quiz: What sickened 20,000 kids and killed 1,000 per year until 1992? (Most under 5 years of age.)

Hint: The same culprit can cause menningitis. (I can't tell you how many older deaf kids and adults we know who became deaf from menningitis.)

Answer.

Over 18,000 children's lives have been saved. Think about that next time you think about declining a vaccine.

Rewrites in progress

Two beagles free to good home.

Two beagles free to good home.

Two beagles free to good home any interested party.

Two beagles free to good home any interested party including medical researchers.

Will pay you to rid me of these evildoers.

What the....

If you see a TSA or Jet Blue employee standing on the street corner trying to sell a cornetto with no mouthpiece, call the cops. Then call me.

Seems some sticky fingers helped himself to Barry's luggage contents last night at Dulles airport. I would watch ebay and craigslist for it, but I can't even imagine how the person would post it. Surely they have no clue what it is.

(His looks like the one in the middle.)