Happy New Year

Miracle of miracles, I actually remembered this just in time...

Last year I hatched this great plan to take Marielle's picture in bed each year on the morning of the New Year. I realized tonight though that this requires me to wake up before she does. Perhaps this plan was not so well thought out. Instead I'm modifying my plan of attack and taking a picture of her after she's fallen asleep on New Year's Eve.

December 31, 2008

Could I have staged a more hilarious photo if I tried?? (Daddy had bedtime duty tonight and fell asleep in her bed before she did!) After taking this picture from every angle I kicked daddy out and rearranged her in a more comfortable position.

January 1, 2007

The red knees make me think she had been sleeping on her tummy and knees with her butt sticking up.

December 31, 2006

(Taken about 4 hours before the new year when she was just over 2 weeks old.)

Aim high

That's right. My 2009 goal is to become debt free. Ok, not the house. Or even the car(s). But credit cards will be a good start, and a big enough challenge for now.

I think I have the cheap gene in me. Growing up we were tricked into thinking a trip to McDonalds was more valuable than a week at Disneyworld. Barry, however, does not possess restraint or a desire to live frugally so could be a challenge. I have been sucked into his ways for entirely too long and cannot stand it for one more second, especially with this unstable economy. Payback's a bitch.

I really, really, REALLY need to stop watching that show about the family in Arkansas that's so big they've got their own town and zipcode. Yesterday I watched them make their own laundry detergent and had to talk some sense into myself after seriously considering it. Like making my own laundry detergent is going to pull us out of this giant hole. But they have 18 kids and pay for everything in cash. How can I get me some of those mad financial skills? (Besides erecting a giant cell phone tower on my property.)

Barry has a more than decent salary but our gigantic mortgage on our unsellable house eats up more than half of it. Not counting a dime of utilities. I think I just heard the screech of Suze Orman from here.

There's nothing we can do about the fact that we live in a house worth half what we owe, so instead we'll be doing some very painful cutbacks to get to the $0 mark by December 31, 2009.
(I'll just let you imagine the figure we owe, giving you only the hint that you could buy a very decent car with that amount of money. Or perhaps a third world country.)

Believe it or not, kicking my coke habit will save us almost $1000/year. I'm not saying it's going to happen by January 1, but by the end of the year I'll be there.

Stay tuned for innevitable yet hopefully interesting stories including
1) Managing your finances using tortilla currency
2) Something TBD I cut out of our lives which almost caused Barry to leave me
3) Weird things I sold on ebay
4) How many hours a day I sleep without my caffeine crutch
5) How much weight I've lost because I'm too cheap to buy food and/or want to fit in my giant closet filled with perfectly good clothes that haven't fit for years.

We're not giving up cable or internet yet though. We're not that crazy.

Nails on a chalkboard

Pardon my absence. I've been drafting new year's resolutions which requires much time spent with my best friend Excel. You know you're possibly aiming too high when your involve multiple spreadsheets. Please hold - the big reveal should come tomorrow.

If Marielle is up for making a resolution I hope she decides to stop grinding her teeth because I'm about to perforate both my eardrums with the nearest sharp object.

But OF COURSE!

Now the moment you've all been waiting for....

It is a purse hanger. "A what!?!" you ask.

Apparently you put the big end on the table at a restaurant/bar/etc and hang your purse from the hook to keep your purse from touching the floor. Silly me, using the back of my chair all these years.

Thanks to my friend Sandy for solving that mystery. I never would have figured that one out.

Define: Sacrilegious

I think my favorite part about the tacky light displays we toured last night was when the abominable snowman & friends almost appeared to be part of the nativity scene.

Befuddled

I am in serious need of your help. IMMEDIATELY.

Every year Grandpa gives us a huge box of weird stuff made in China 40 years ago. This had no label on it and I have NO idea what it is.


Guesses, please.

In case you are wondering, here is the rest:

The men always get ties, shirts, black socks, undies, matching black turtlenecks reminiscent of the Sprokets...useful items, or at least returnable. But we ladies get the nightlight that can't be turned off, collapsable cups likely made from pure lead, a vegetable peeler that maims you as you remove it from the box, and a "full body mirror" that makes your head look the size of a grape while your bosom looks the size of a prize-winning pumpkin.

Can't complain though because there's also a nice crisp bill inside and the other gifts provide fuel for White Elephant games for years to come.

BUT WHAT IS THAT THING!?!?!?!

update: One of my Facebook friends knew right away!! But still curious what you think it is. Answer revealed once I have adequate number of hilarious comments.

Wardrobe malfunction

Mari and I have been battling it out. I pick out an adorable outfit, Marielle fights and wrestles until she gets her way and is allowed to wear something ridiculous. I would refuse to give in, but in the feats of strength I lose every time.

mmmm belly.
She has matching PJs, I swear. She just picks and chooses as she pleases.

I won until we got to shoe selection.

Here she's wearing a 6 year old's sweater (barely buttoned over her tummy). Shoes also belong to Doormouse.

Merry Christmas and all that jazz

Greasing the wheels

Dilemma-

Does a grocery store gift card say:

a) I wanted to give you something I knew you would use.

or

b) I think you're poor and need money to buy groceries.

I wanted to get a small token of appreciation for Marielle's bus drivers and aides but somehow slipping a twenty in their holiday card seemed a little too bribe-like. They don't strike me as the type that enjoy Starbucks and I wanted something they could use no matter what part of town they live in. But is a grocery store gift card just weird??

If they could taste my baking, they would understand why I can't just give them a bag of cookies like every other mom.

Good effort

The tree is no longer in a bucket in my front yard. (And there was much rejoicing from my neighbors.)

It has some lights on it, though not a lot. The best ones were promptly removed when we realized Marielle was powerless to resist their lure i.e. kept trying to rip them down.

There is a definite lack of theme (previous years' included COWS!!, jewel tones, and wejustmovedinandstoleornamentshismomwasntusing). Though I guess technically Iguessweshouldgetourshittogetherforourkid is a theme. She's two - will she really notice? Let's not set the bar high and set unrealistic expectations for years to come.

The purely decorative ornaments are packed away for future years, should we ever find the urge to do something like an all pink tree. (I am sorry to say we both have the ornaments and lights to do exactly that. Also blue. Or silver/white.) Instead this year I only put up the ornaments that mean something. The ones that remind me of trips we've taken, childhood keepsakes (KERMIE!) or things people have made us. All the breakable ones are on the top half, while the plastic/cloth ones reside on the bottom. We've made it two years without a trip to the pediatric ER, let's not end our good luck streak now.

As I was decorating I remembered the trees of years' past. The year Barry had just been laid off and we had a super tiny tree. (Still so depressing! Like another $30 really would have killed us.) Or the year I was sooo anxious to decorate that I bought, brought home and decorated not one but TWO trees while he was out with a friend. That was probably his favorite Christmas yet since he didn't have to do any of the work.

It's hard to get in the spirit when your husband is cursing the helping (and the holiday's lack of mashed potatoes) and keeps sneaking away rather than discuss the hilarity of the Santa-on-a-pinata (honeymoon acquisition). But putting up the tree and wrapping the rest of Marielle's presents did get me a little jazzed. If I only had some eggnog, that might officially put me in the spirit.

Too busy shining my pole

According to Wikipedia, it is A-OK that six days after purchase our Christmas tree still resides in a bucket in the front yard and not in my living room. I wouldn't want to bring it in too early and take away from the December 23 magic that is Festivus.

In Europe, when the practice of setting up evergreen trees originated in pagan times, the practice was associated with the Winter Solstice, around December 21.

Tree decoration was later adopted into Christian practice after the Church set December 25 as the birth of Christ, thereby supplanting the pagan celebration of the solstice. Traditionally, Christmas trees were not brought in and decorated until Christmas Eve (December 24), and then removed the day after twelfth night (January 6); to have a tree up before or after these dates was even considered bad luck. Modern commercialization of Christmas has resulted in trees being put up much earlier.

SEE? It's THE MAN that makes you put up your tree early. Actually I kinda was in the mood in July but the spirit eventually vanished and now can't really get into it. Maybe I need to watch more made for TV movies and less Seinfeld.

Our homeowners association - an instrument of THE MAN - will be coming for us with torches soon if I don't move the bucket-tree. I guess it should come in tonight.

Sigh. Hope nothing is living in it yet.

Spending all your money on cheese.

'Tis a rare occasion that I cook. Even rarer someone asks me for the recipe. 3 people asked for our mac & cheese recipe from the 2nd birthday party so here it goes. (School theme - cafeteria food - get it??)

Here are the ingredients you need for one batch. I would say it serves 8-10 normal people or 4 Parkers.

• 12 oz Barilla Elbow Macaroni (Cooks Illustrated deemed it the best, and we always trust them!)
• 2 cups heavy cream
• 2 1/2 cups whole milk
• 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt (I guarantee I used more) plus more for pasta water
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper (people really measure that?)
• 2 cups grated Fontina
• 3/4 cup finely grated parmesan
• 3/4 cup grated mozarella
• 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. (The original recipe calls for 450 but we were cooking a lot of stuff at once and 400 seemed a nice average. Whatever.)

Butter a glass baking dish, approx 13x9 and set aside.

Cook the noodles in a whole bunch of salty water. (Salt the pasta water ten times more than you think you should. ) Once cooked, drain but don't rinse the pasta.

Grate your cheese. You can toss it all in one bowl until you have a nice mixture.

Whisk the cream, milk, flour, salt and pepper in a large bowl to blend. Stir in half the cheese and parsley. Add the noodles and toss to coat. Transfer to prepared baking dish. Sprinkle the remaining cheese over the top. Barry threw in some assorted italian seasonings.

Bake approx 20 minutes until the sauce bubbles and the cheese melts. Or until people start yelling at you to get out of the shower already, they think your mac & cheese is done. It should begin to brown on top. Let it stand for at least 10 minutes before serving. Otherwise it will be runny and you will burn your mouth.

Let's talk measuring. I didn't much. I used too much mac (the whole box) and too much cheese and it turned out just fine, probably better than the original recipe. In fact I could have used more cheese.

Secrets: -
Parsley - pick off all the stems! Just use the leaves, and use fresh parsley, not the shaker kind.
Parmesan - YOU MAY NOT USE THE STUFF IN A CAN!!! If you do, we can no longer be friends.
Fontina - some people might like cheddar instead, or half cheddar, half fontina.
Whole Milk/Cream - if you are scared of this you should eat something else. Don't substitute lower fat or it won't be yummy. Go eat some carrots.
Cheese - Do not buy the bags of pre-shredded cheese. Buy it whole and shred it RIGHT BEFORE YOU USE IT.

This recipe will cost you a million dollars. I suggest you use it when you have a lot of people over. Double or triple it. Buy all your cheese and cream at Costco and have a cardiologist on retainer.

Report from week 1 of Operation Mommy Freedom

I know you're not going to buy it, but I've been able to get up at 6 am all week. (My biggest fear is missing the bus. Second biggest - forgetting to put her lunch in her backpack.) Today I even made a real breakfast with eggs and everything! Who am I?! It doesn't hurt that at 8:01 I can go back to bed. Not that I took a 5 hour nap yesterday or anything. La la la.

The longest ten minutes of the day is 7:50 - 8:00 am while we wait for the bus. Most of the time we are outside by 7:50 at the latest at Marielle's insistence even when it's bitterly cold or raining. Another bus comes a half block away at 7:55 am which annoys us to no end. One day I'm certain she'll jump on that bus when we're not looking then spend the whole day at the middle school before they realize she doesn't belong there.

When the bus arrives she waves violently screaming "HI DUH! HI DUH!" (That's "bus" for those of you that don't speak Mariellese.) One of us grabs her and the other grabs the carseat and backpack and we load her up as quickly as possible before the whole neighborhood starts to hate us even more.

There's an older girl on her bus, ironically the girl that made us choose the cueing program. I'm sure to be extra nice to her as when I look at her all I see is a future babysitter. After picking up Mari they are supposed to pick up another preschooler, but he apparently hates school even more than he hates the bus, so he's on sabbatical. That leaves the aide to entertain Marielle the entire way to school, not that she needs entertaining. Reports from the driver are that she's perfectly behaved all the way there.

In the afternoon a different driver brings her home. Once there was another girl on the bus but I think it may have been the driver's kid. There's an aide as well, so there are 2 adults per child on that route until Mr. T has recovered from his PTSD. (Again, thank you taxpayers!) When Mari climbs off she again waves violently, "Die-die duh!" Thankfully she doesn't scream like she does when I bring her home from school.

Mad at mean old mommy for taking her home.

After returning home she eats what's left of the lunch I painstakingly prepared the night before.

Oh yes, I do this every day. Because I'm a freak. (That's a cookie shaped like a number 2, in honor of her birthday)

For some reason she never eats much at school, probably because they give her about 15 minutes to eat, not the leisurely hour she enjoys at home. Some days after lunch part 2 I've been able to put her straight down for an insanely long nap. Other days it takes more coaxing.

I scour the backpack for clues of what they've done that day. We usually get a print out of the day's activities and I was crushed when we didn't yesterday. For all I know they spent the morning building a meth lab. Clearly at some point they took a break to hit the library, as we have a library book we've already read 6 times.

Marielle has been talking nonstop since starting school and I swear tries to tell me about her day. For the past 2 days she's been fixated on a boy named Yoda. (That's her name for him.) We have pictures of all the kids up in her play area and I've caught her a few times making dreamy eyes at him.

I have no idea what we are going to do tomorrow morning. It's only been a week and already she's waking up by herself, ready to get moving and get to school. Just when you think you're an awesome mom, along comes your kid to tell you "Let's get moving so I can get the hell outta here and go have some real fun!"

Art

PE

Washing her hands before lunch.

Jesus wept

It's that time of year again. Time for Anna Quindlen's children to realize they're not getting anything under the tree. Seriously though, if she started a religion, I would be in the front pew every week -- as long as services started at a reasonable hour and there were donuts afterwards. It's like she can read my mind, only it's poetic and coherent.

Americans have been on an acquisition binge for decades. I suspect television advertising, which made me want a Chatty Cathy doll so much as a kid that when I saw her under the tree my head almost exploded. By contrast, my father will be happy to tell you about the excitement of getting an orange in his stocking during the Depression. The depression before this one.

A critical difference between then and now is credit. The orange had to be paid for.

...Hard times offer the opportunity to ask hard questions, and one of them is the one my friend asked, staring at sweaters and shoes: why did we buy all this stuff? Did anyone really need a flat-screen in the bedroom, or a designer handbag, or three cars? If the mall is our temple, then Marc Jacobs is God. There's a scary thought.

The Disney Princess brand generated $3,400,000,000 in revenue in 2006.

There are 40,000 Disney Princess items on the market today.

I think I just tasted pink glitter-filled vomit.

Visit the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood for more horrifying statistics or to download their guide to commercial free holidays then step away from the mall. Aunt Bessie doesn't need another pair of slippers.

New verse

The driversstuckbehindthestoppedbusfor5minuteswhileweinstallthenewcarseat go HONK HONK HONK.

QUIZ:
When your daughter climbs on the bus for the first time ever and you watch it pull away, you should:
1. Shout "Free at last, Free at last!"
2. Sob uncontrollably
3. Clean up from the party you had 4 days ago.

Mmmm stale cupcakes, so delicious!

2 cute

Happy Birthday, tiny one!

Sardines

Whew! The big 2nd birthday party is OVER.

I really tried to make it low key and trim the guest list from last year. My house does not have that much open space, and now all last year's infants have morphed into crazy roaming toddlers. But people kept asking when their invite was coming, etc etc and before you knew it you we were all stuffed in to my living room. The gigantic cake barely fed the crowd and the food went fast. Last year I was still eating pasta a week later. I'll take that as a compliment since last year was catered and this year Barry and I cooked. Ok, so the smoke detector kept going off, but that totally wasn't our fault. It was a fire free day.

Marielle's grandpa flew halfway across the country to surprise us. He came in right at the beginning of the party when I was furiously trying to finish a few last minute things. At first I didn't even recognize him. Then I burst into laughter and went right back to work

If Bob Marley and a Muppet had a love child, it would totally look like this guy.

I think we've already established that until my daughter starts school next week, she's enrolled fulltime at Le Academie d'DVDs. She's learned her shapes, colors, numbers, letters and sign language. We've even recently added some DVDs to our collection by speech therapists and one by a music therapist. Why stop there? I eagerly volunteered to participate in the latest Parent Bloggers campaign, Eebee's Adventures.

I received Eebee's Adventures: Exploring Real Stuff. I could tell from the start that Eebee was a well thought out product. Not only did it not have the filmed-in-a-basement vibe of some DVDs but clearly a trained professional had been involved in the planning. (Turns out it was a developmental psychologist.) I felt almost as if I was observing a session between Marielle and one of her many therapists.

More than once a lightbulb went off while I simultaneously was kicking myself for not thinking of some of the fun activities they demonstrated. I later found their website offers at home ideas to build on what you've seen on the DVD. I have many more ideas for activities we can do together but I will likely make slight modifications using non-food items (interesting viewpoint on that here.) If I put her next to a tub of cheerios, she would dive in and eat until her stomach exploded.

According to their website, "Eebee's adventures are designed to engage you and your baby with rich play experiences that provide powerful lessons that memorizing letters, numbers, colors and shapes simply can and do not." Hey, shut up!! I love my little party trick of a toddler!

Ok, so maybe they're right, but here lies my problem with that theory. Watching another baby or a puppet dump a bowl of rice on their head is nowhere near the same experience as doing it yourself. You don't feel the texture rice on your skin, you don't see it scatter across the floor, you don't hear your mother yelling at you that she's tired of cleaning up your messes.

Honestly the first time we watched it, Marielle walked to the DVD player after 5 minutes, hit the eject button, brought it to me and requested another DVD by name. Until then I didn't even know she knew how to do that. Hey, she's learning new stuff already!

Instead we got out the Eebee book, Peek-a-boo Adventures. At first glance I saw a soft book designed for a sixth month old; Marielle will be 2 next week. Her love for this book shocked me. She wanted me to read it with her again and again. The book has many different textures, great graphics and many hands on opportunities. It was a great way for us to practice concepts and words like open, shut, and under, and verbs like roll. She couldn't get enough of it, destroying my hopes of regifting it to a younger friend.

Last night I decided to give the DVD another chance. It was like we were watching a completely new DVD. Mari had 20 minutes straight of belly laughs. Anytime Eebee was on the screen she would go wild. She liked watching the kids, but she loved watching Eebee. I still don't think she learned anything new, but I know I did.

I've heard you can find Eebee on Comcast or Cox's On Demand service. Of course you can also purchase the DVDs, books, etc on the website. For a 20% off thru december 25, 2008 use coupon code: eebee20.

Fake ID

Twice in the past week people have looked at my drivers license and then looked at me like I was a fraud.

In Virginia you can renew your license online and they use your old picture. I think mine is about 8 years old. My picture is quite fabulous if I do say so myself. You know things have taken a turn for the worse when your drivers license looks better than you.

I was carded this week at Trader Joe's in Monterey. The young cashier looked at my license then looked back at me with a confused look that said, "Clearly this is not her but clearly the woman in front of me is far older than 21 and I cannot figure why she would use a fake ID so whatever just take your $2 wine and get out of my store."

Last night at the San Francisco airport's security checkpoint the keeper of national security - aka hourly TSA employee - looked at my ID, up at me, and back to the ID. Several times. Finally he paused and said, "You need to wear your hair down again."

I wanted to say, "Yes, because clearly that would totally cover up the effects of a decade of stress & aging and a half ton of weight gain." But wisely I just said, "Yeah, I do sometimes." Stupid common sense.

And no, I'm not posting a picture of the ID.

YELLOW!

So awesome I had to post it twice. OK, three times if you count Facebook.

Revelations of a California Girl

Screaming kids on a plane - you don't phase me. Not my kid? Scream away. Young woman in seat next to me, turned backwards for 6 hours talking to boyfriend for 6 hours - ENOUGH ALREADY! He probably wishes you would shut up too.

Virgin America - nightclub or airline? Or both?

Valium - you're no Tylenol PM. 2 hours of sleep on a 6 hour flight? After a night of no rest? Something doesn't add up.

Rental cars - Mustangs? Just say no. The novelty is not worth it.

Then again, Black Beauty - as she has been christened - does provide hours of amusement. It took us 10 minutes to figure out how to adjust the seats from pimp mode to normal mode. (Hint, YOU PUMP THEM.)

Migrant workers - you people are for real and not just in novels? Oh my heart breaks for you. But my stomach thanks you.

Artichokes - really, you look like THAT in the field? Boggles the mind.

PhDs - My internet research and life experience trumped a guy with a PhD in the field. I enjoyed updating him on all the lates news since his studies 30 years ago. I think he was kind of impressed as I rattled off percentages and studies Later we discussed the merits of cued speech. Holy cow, there really are people out there who know what cueing is. And they even buy me lunch. Two thumbs up.

Monterey - I love you.

California coast, I love you.

Surfers - get your crazy selves out of that water before your hands turn purple. Your mom is worried sick!

Family - come. I may not be leaving this paradise.

Not pictured, 3 bottles of wine, cheese tray, chocolate covered fruit, fireplace.

Travel - so much better when alone. Out of habit I ordered a breakfast that Marielle would eat, then was somewhat pleased at the realization I didn't have to share. No offense to my adorable little parasite(s), but 5:30 am in the airport is so much better when I'm only worried about one person's needs.

Somewhere a bear is missing his hat.

This morning Marielle was playing in our living room preschool. When I walked by, I saw her sitting quietly in the corner.


Need a close up?

Too bad I already had our Christmas cards printed!

Accessorizing, part 2

I've been especially grumpy lately, and for that you can thank my husband. Please e-mail him for details; I know he would just love to hear from you.

But Saturday something magical came in the mail that made me laugh so hard I couldn't stop. It gave my mood a jumpstart that a bottle of Prozac couldn't even match. I was howling so loudly that Barry actually pulled himself away from his computer to come upstairs to check on me.

(The top has her full name; I cropped it out of this picture.)

That's Marielle notebook I purchased in the school shopping binge of 2008. Apparently the teacher and I get to write notes back and forth every day. I'm way too excited by this fact, and feel it may drive me to have lots of adventures with Marielle just so I can brag about them in the notebook.

For whatever reason Snapfish gave me a free notebook credit. (Probably because of the tens of thousands of photos I've purchased over the years.) Then my friend gave me a free shipping coupon, making the grand total zero dollars and zero cents. I think the normal cost is about $15 including shipping. Hilarious picture, priceless.

Now it's December, and for that I can be thankful. The big 2nd birthday bash, some random holidays (something about a manger that burned for 8 days? I'm still foggy on all that), and of course let's not forget FESTIVUS! Nothing like airing your grievances to make you feel better.